One Mixed Up MarySue
by Cheez Socks
Summary: A prophecy fortells of a chosen one who will save all of middle-earth. Too bad they nab the wrong girl while the Sue is in the bathroom. A Mary Sue parody. Re-written and better than ever! PART 1 IN A SERIES
1. Prologue

**One Mixed Up Mary-Sue**

-

Author's Notes: This is the re-done version of this story. If you should wish to read the original, I will post a link on my profile. Or, send me an e-mail, and I'll let you know when it's done.

Thanks.

-

The scene opens to an unnaturally nice day, birds are singing and dancing through the air (apparently they're too good to fly like normal birds) and the sun seems to be shining unnaturally brightly. Elves are skipping (yes, _skipping_) around Rivendell, generally doing nothing but that, which is skipping. Their faces wear dazed expressions and their eyes are eerily glazed over and unfocused.

As of late, Lord Elrond (along with almost everyone else) had been acting very strangely. He would call a council every few days, usually over something completely useless, like making a decision on what was going to be for dinner, or to inform everyone of what colours were 'in' this season (for your information, this autumn was maroon, burnt orange and dark green.) People had gotten so bored of these councils that now an attendance of eight was considered a good turnout. He'd also insisted that he be called _King_ Elrond. But the new names didn't stop there; he'd started calling everyone strange names. He'd even started calling his own sons Marty and Josh. Arwen seemed to be the only one who hadn't gotten a new name. Instead, she had taken a personality change and had become vain, rude, and at times plain old bitchy. Elrond had also forced anyone (save himself and his daughter- his sons were no exceptions) with darker hair to leave some awful-smelling goop on their heads until it became a blonde colour.

Today seemed to be no different than the others; he had called for everyone to assemble so they could debate the fate of the world. Somehow he had, unknown to everyone else, obtained information that could either save or kill them all. Most of the inhabitants of Rivendell just blew it off, figuring he had some other silly topic to rattle on about, like flowers or rainclouds.

"As you may or may not know," Elrond declared once the council (of about six) had gathered. "I, King Elrond have a long-lost-daughter."

Everyone looked at him in shock, mouths hanging open, except for Arwen (who was busy filing her nails.) Elrohir, who was sitting beside his sister, poked her in the side to jolt her out of her nail-sculpting daze.

"Like, what's going on?" Arwen asked, looking around curiously. She dropped her nail file on the ground and pouted.

"According to our father, we have a sister," Elrohir said. "I fear he has finally lost his mind completely."

"Like, whatever," Arwen replied, rolling her eyes. "I bet you I'm prettier than her."

-

Emily cursed and climbed out of bed. Who the hell visits at three in the morning? Well, she _was_ living in a college dorm room, half of the kids living in her building were probably drunk out of their minds (she had gotten stuck in a bad building... it was only thursday) and knocking on people's doors probably sounded like great fun to them. Expecting to see no one, she pulled open the door.

"Hi," squealed the girl who was standing there. "It's me!" She fiddled with her bleached blonde hair that nearly reached her unnaturally thin waist. Her low cut top was the same shade of hot pink as her lipstick, and if anything she pulled off her skinny jeans _too_ well.

"I'm sorry," Emily said. "You must have the wrong address."

"It's me!" The girl chimed, giggling. "Arimirandrisleahsparkle, your beloved cousin!" Grinning, she threw her arms open for a hug, which Emily did not oblige.

"Oh, yeah," Emily said. Ever since she was little, Emily had never liked her adopted cousin. It wasn't that she had anything against he aunt and uncle adopting a kid. It was just that they had somehow chosen the rudest, most shallow child there. He relatives had thought she was playing pretend when the toddler they had adopted had said she was a princess, but she wasn't. She was convinced that she was a princess.

"It was so horrible!" Arimirandrisliahsparkle then went on to explain her abuse and ridicule filled life. Tears rolled down her cheaks, but somehow didn't shudge her makeup. Emily had to restrain herself from telling her to go back home and make some friends, instead of being a brat to everyone she met.

"What are you doing here?" Emily asked instead. "It's three in the morning and I have a class at eight."

"I've come to stay with you!"

"Uh, there's no way."

"Why not? Don't you care about me?"

"I live on campus, it's against the rules."

"Just for a little while?" she begged, trying to pull of a convincing pout. Emily eventually gave up; it's not like her cousin was going to.

"You can stay overnight, but tomorrow you're out of here. It's lucky for you that my roommate dropped out, actually." Emily ushered her inside and quickly shut the door. The last thing she needed was some drunken guy hitting on her underage cousin.

"Great," the young teenager said, bouncing around. "This is so cool! You have your own place, just like I will one day when I meet my prince..." She trailed off, staring into space.

"I guess I won't be getting any more sleep tonight," Emily said. She filled up and started the coffeemaker, and then turned back to her cousin. "Why don't you watch some television or something?" She took a mug from the cupboard and grabbed the milk from the refridgerator.

"You have a TV?"

"Yes," Emily said, waving towards it. "Over there."

"But, aren't you all, like poor and stuff?" Arimirandrisleahsparkle wrinkled her nose, looking very skeptically at the television from the early nineties.

"No, I'm just a student, that doesn't mean poor. Besides," she said, shrugging. "I bought it second hand."

"As in… _used_?" The girl jumped away from the television as if it were contaminated. She frowned. "That's gross, and also poor."

"Yes, of course," Emily said, rolling her eyes. "What else would it mean?"

"I don't know," Arimirandrisleahsparkle said, turning up her nose amnd crossing her arms. "Hey, I brought movies!"

"Like what?" Emily really didn't want to hear about the girl's taste in movies.

"Oooh! I have The Lord of the Rings! I love that movie! There's so many hotties in it."

-

"In order to save the world, we must bring the girl to Middle-earth!" Elrond declared. "She is the chosen one!" A corny sound effect played in the background, lightning flashed and animals started acting strangely.

"Chosen one?" Glorfindel asked sceptically. "Chosen by what, exactly?"

"By a prophecy," Elrond replied, "that was written long ago."

"Why have we never heard of this prophecy?" Elladan asked, just as fed up as everyone else with his father's antics.

"I don't know. I just didn't feel like telling everybody." Elrond said, shrugging.

"Not even your family?"

"Well I tried to tell Arwen, but she said she didn't care," Elrond said to his defence.

"Like, so not. Why should I, like, care about this stupid stuff?" Arwen said, putting on a disgusted expression.

The sane elves who were present sighed. She used to be such a nice girl.

"And how will some girl who none of us have ever met be able to save Middle-earth?" asked an annoyed Erestor.

"The prophecy was actually quite vague. Basically, we need her so something bad doesn't happen." Elrond said, shrugging. "Don't ask any questions."

"And how are we supposed to find her?" Elrohir asked. "She could be anywhere. We do not live in a very small world."

"I said no more questions. But, seeing as this one is relevant, I will answer it. First off, she is not currently in this world. And secondly, we have this neat swirly thing here that's like a gateway between worlds. Someone just has to go find her." He paused, looking at the circle of four elves (two had gottn fed up and left.) "So, who wants to volunteer?"

-

"Great, DVD player's on top of the TV." Emily said. She was glad that the girl had found something to do that would shut her up for a while.

"You have a DVD player?"

"Yes."

"How'd you get it?"

"It was a gift."

"From who?"

"My parents," Emily replied. "They got it free when they bought some furniture or something like that."

She mouthed the word 'poor' and Emily shot her a glare. "Oh, okay then!" Smiling happily, Arimirandrisleahsparkle started the movie and settled in on the couch with a bag of chips that she'd pilfered from the cupboard. Emily rolled her eyes and retreated into her bedroom, away from the annoying ray of sunshine.

"What're you doing?" Arimirandrisleahsparkle asked.

"Going to my room."

"Why?"

"To read."

"Why?"

"It doesn't turn your brain cells to mush. Anyways, I've already seen this movie… a. few times, actually." She glared at the girl who had invited herself into her home and cupboard, too, it seemed.

"Well I love this movie too much to miss is."

"Why don't you read the books?" Emily asked, giving up trying to read and sitting down beside her cousin on the couch.

"There are books?" At first Emily thought that she was joking. Even if she hadn't read them, it was common knowledge that they at least _existed_.

"Yes!"

"Seriously?"

"Yes!"

"Well, whatever, the books don't have hot actors in them!"

"Right," Emily said, rolling her eyes.

"Emily," Arimirandrisleahsparkle said, poking her cousin in the ribs.

"What?" Emily snapped.

"I have to go touch up my face, pause the movie when Legolas comes on screen!"

"Sure thing," Emily lied, rolling her eyes again.

"Okay, thanks," she giggled. "This is just like a sleepover!" Arimirandrisleahsparkle smiled another happy smile and skipped off. Emily reached down and picked her book up off the ground. She had no intention of watching the screen for her overly hormonal cousin.

-

"Well," Elrond started, looking between the four expectantly, "who's going?"

"Not me," Elrohir said, promptly getting up and leaving.

"Wait for me, brother!" Elladan called, chasing after his twin.

Glorfindel looked at the other elf present briefly. Erestor looked back at him, fully aware that Glorfindel could beat him in a race, if it was to come down to that. Sighing, Erestor accepted his fate. Glorfindel figured he had an entire eternity to make new friends. Without saying anything, he got up and left.

"Oh! Well, thank you for your devoted friendship!" Erestor yelled. "All of you leave me here, this is perfectly wonderful."

"Joe, you need to go find the chosen one," Elrond said, all the while more corny background music was playing.

"Why must _I _do this?"

"Because you are the only one here," Elrond answered simply.

"What about Arwen?" Erestor was desperate. Who could know what insanity Elrond had planned?

"Like, no way!" Arwen said, sticking out her tongue. "Go get the stinky girl yourself."

Erestor sighed in defeat. At least he'd be able to get away from this odd place for a little while.

"Go now." Elrond said.

"Err… where?"

"Oh, right." Elrond pulled what looked like a television remote control from his pocket and pressed a large, red button, even though he should have no idea whatsoever as to what a remote is. A pink, swirling mass of something appeared in the air. It was slowly spinning, and emitted a low humming noise.

"What is _that_?"

"It is a portal between worlds!"

"And what exactly do you expect that I would do with this… portal?"

"Go through the portal and fetch the chosen one." Elrond answered him as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"That thing?" Erestor asked sceptically. He threw a rock through 'the portal' just to make sure that he wasn't seeing things. It hit the pink glitter and disappeared.

"Yes," Elrond said, giving Erestor a shove in the back, "now hurry! You will know her when you see her. Bring her back."

-

Emily jumped up as something hit her hard on the face, just above her eye. Whatever the hell it was, it had split the skin open.

"Son of a bitch!" she shouted, feeling the cut above her eye. Yep, that would make quite the nice little mark. She put down the book that she'd been reading and looked around for the offending object. Sadly, she didn't have the time to find it, as the next thing she knew, she was being pulled to her feet.

"What the hell?" Emily yelled. "How the fuck did you get in here?" Sure, lots of kids liked to piss in the hallways or knock on doors when they had been drinking, but none had ever actually broken into a room- or at least not while she had been living in the building. After a good smack to the guy's head, he dropped her on the ground and Emily managed to get a look at him.

Odd wasn't quite the right word. He looked like he'd just robbed the drama department's costume room. He was wearing a maroon something and had long hair. What puzzled her was that he looked perfectly sober and in his right mind, well, despite the odd apparel.

"Get up," he said. "I want leave this place as quickly as I can." He was definitely sober. And this led her to believe that this wasn't some prank or stupid mistake, but a legitimate crime, which would explain how he had entered so quietly.

"What the hell are you doing in here, you creep?"

"Get up!" He didn't look like a criminal, he just looked angry.

"Leave me alone!" She kicked out at his legs twice and hit him once in the shin and then in the knee, and then scrambled to her feet and into the corner that was devoted to being a kitchenette.

"What are exactly do you think you are doing?" He demanded, running after her. Where was that damned cousin? Emily wondered. How long does it take to go to the bathroom? Emily could just imagine the vain, little twit putting on her globs of mascara. All the while Emily was running from some stranger who wanted God only knows what. It would only take the stupid twit ten seconds to put down her makeup and call the cops or security.

"Get away from me!" Emily reached behind her back, grabbed the coffeepot and emptied its contents on the intruder, who screamed bloody murder. "What do you want?" She asked, trying to inch away. She could see the phone.

"Please, stop your foolishness. What I want is to return home!"

Making a dive for it, Emily grabbed the phone. "If you don't leave right now, I am going to call the police!"

"What?" he asked, looking genuinely puzzled.

"I'll call the cops, now leave!"

"I can not leave without you."

"Fine," she said, throwing a plate at him and running into her room. She slammed the door shut and leaned against it and using all of her weight to keep the door shut, dialling the phone with shaking hands.

"Hello?" The operator sounded tired, like she was on the last ten minutes of an eight-hour shift. Emily could hear her chewing a piece of gum.

"Hello, there's a man in-" she cut off as the door was pushed open. "What the hell do you want?"

"Why are you so annoying?" The words came slowly, he sounded very angry. He grabbed her and hauled the screaming girl over his shoulder.

"What are you doing? Put me down!" After flailing about for a few moments, she brought the phone down on the back of his head.

He yelled, dropping her on the ground.

"Ouch," Emily said. She quickly got to her feet, but he was faster and quickly grabbed her. It was at that moment that she noticed something quite odd… and quite pink.

"Holy shit," Emily said, staring at the television. "What's going on here? Who are you? What do you want? Why is my television screen all swirly?"

The next thing she knew, she was in a very, very, bright and sparkly white room.

-

So, Elrond is crazy, Arwen is dumb and all of the characters found only in the books are unknown. Sound familiar? And to top it all off, the wrong girl got nabbed.


	2. Chapter One

**One Mixed Up Mary-Sue**

-

Chapter One: Maybe I'd Be Okay If I Hadn't Been Kidnapped

-

Emily opened her eyes and looked around. She actually had to shade her eyes from the light reflecting off of the walls and furniture. Jeez, who paints a room all-white? Honestly, it looks like a hospital… or insane asylum. The insane asylum would probably explain what happened. That had to be it. That guy in her dorm was just a figment of her imagination, which had hopefully been dubbed legally insane by now.

Getting out of bed, she walked over to a large mirror that sat on top of a vanity table. She smiled, waving at the doctors that were probably watching her from the other side of the mirror. Then she looked down at the table and frowned. They didn't usually let insane people have combs or hairpins; both of which were on the table, along with many more cosmetic products. Heck, they didn't even let you have shoelaces. She looked down: yep, she still had her shoelaces. Okay, maybe it was a really upscale hospital. Chances were against the hospital theory, though, as she felt perfectly fine. Maybe she'd gotten a concussion and passed out, and had just been imagining the guy. She did have quite the horrible looking cut, bruise and lump combination over her eye.

"Lady Arimirandrisleahsparkle… my Lady?"

"What the hell do you want?" She asked, grabbing a hairbrush, ready to throw it. Standing in the doorway was another guy, dressed something like the last one, but his getup looked more expensive. Now she knew it hadn't been her immagination.

"I- I just wanted to see to it that you were alright." The guy pouted. Emily looked at him in disgust. Yeah, that's what you do to people; you attack them in their own homes, drag them off to some place and then worry about their welfare.

"Maybe I would be okay if I hadn't been fucking kidnapped!" Emily yelled.

"But, my Lady, you are the chosen one," he said, and some corny sound effect played in the background. "You must be here; the fate of all of Middle-earth is depending on it!"

"Sure it does," Emily said sarcastically. "Now where the hell am I? And you know what, that stupid guy who kidnapped me, he got the wrong girl! Seriously, Arawhatta is my cousin! Also, her real name is just Ariel."

"Surely not," he said, frowning.

"Surely yes, you dimwit! What's with the outfit, anyways? Is this some stupid joke? Honestly, I'm about ready to believe anything after bring pushed into my TV." She walked over to him and tried to stare him in the eyes, even though he was considerably taller.

"You should see your father, he is worried for you."

"No shit he is, I called the cops before your buddy dragged me over here," Emily replied smugly. "They'll get you guys, you know. I hope you rot in prison."

"Why would you wish these things on me? Please, come see your father!"

"You kidnapped me; my father is probably in his house and has no clue where I am."

"No, my Lady, I mean your _real_ father!"

"Who doesn't live here!"

"My Lady-"

"Get lost, you idiot!" Emily pushed him out the door, hit him rather hard with the hairbrush (twice, for good measure) and slammed the door shut.

"Lady Arimirandrisleahsparkle," the dolt called to her from outside the door.

"She's my cousin!" Emily shouted at the hardhead on the other side of the door. "My name is Emily!"

"My Lady Emily," he said. "I know that you…"

"Just shut the hell up!" Emily said. "I already shut the door, what else do I have to do to make you go away?"

"You… you don't want me around?"

"No!" Emily yelled, banging on the door.

"O- okay th- then," he sniffled. Emily rolled her eyes, these guys really didn't make very intimidating criminals.

"I don't hear you walking away!"

"Yes, my Lady…" he said, dejectedly. She heard him trudging away, shuffling his shoes on the floor.

Emily sighed with relief and sunk into the chair that was sitting in front of the vanity table. She poked at the mark above her eye. Whatever the hell it was that had hit her, had hit pretty hard. After looking over the room (which only took a few seconds, I mean, how interesting can an all-white room be?) she pulled open the door and cautiously stepped into the hallway.

"Lady Emily!" Emily couldn't believe it. Either this guy was deaf, or he was really, _really_ stupid. Here he was, after she had told him to buzz off, standing outside the door.

"Didn't I tell you to go away?" Emily asked, glaring at him. But at least he had gotten her name right this time.

""Yes," he replied in a very annoying, innocent voice. "But you were just kidding, right? Anyways, I came back to see you again!"

"Wrong!" Emily yelled, storming past him.

"Wait… Lady Emily! Your father wishes to speak with you!" He took off, chasing her down the hallway.

"Huh," Emily said, turning around. "That would be a bit of a problem, since my dad isn't here!"

"What are you talking about? Your father, King Elrond."

"What are you talking about? My dad is an electrician, not a King! Besides, we don't live in the middle ages!" What the hell was with these people? When they had mentioned the name Elrond, she had remembered that the movie had been playing. This guy's outfit looked like something out of there. This was some twisted shit. Maybe her cousin had been in on it, and was robbing her blind right now.

He just looked at her, wearing a very confused expression.

"I'm leaving," Emily said, once more walking past him.

"No, you can't!"

"Just watch me!"

"Lady Emily!" he called, chasing after her.

"What?"

"Please?"

"No."

"Please?"

"No!"

"Please?"

"Shut the hell up!" Emily yelled, stepping on his foot.

"Oww… you could be more polite about your unhappiness."

"To you?" Emily asked, trying not to laugh. "Yeah, right."

"Oh, we must hurry, your father is waiting." And now he was happy again. Strange… very strange…

"I already told you- what are you doing?" Emily demanded, trying to pry her wrist from his hand.

"I am escorting you!"

"I'd chew my own arm off before letting you escort me anywhere, freak!"

"You're so funny!" He said, laughing. Emily rolled her eyes and followed him. It seemed that there was no reasoning with this idiot.

-

"It's… uh… good," Emily said. It wasn't really a lie. She knew that it had probably been not so great an idea to take drinks from this stranger sitting in front of her, but she figured that wine couldn't hurt right now. And now she was stuck, drinking wine and talking to some psycho who not only thought he was a king, but also that he was her father. Life's just peachy, isn't it?

"I am glad."

"I want to go home," Emily said, putting her half-full glass down.

"You are home," he said, smiling warmly and filling her glass.

"No, I'm not at home." Emily frowned. "Home has flickering lights and squeaky floors. This place is too perfect."

"Well, I am flattered that you think that this place is perfect. But, my dearest daughter, this _is_ your home."

"No, I am not at home!"

"You do not remember living here?" Again, Emily was surprised to fin her captors looked genuinely surprised and concerned.

"I never did live here! And if I went back home, I'm sure I could find photos proving it!"

"Photos?"

"Never mind…" Emily took a long drink of wine, nearly emptying her glass. "Can I go home now?"

"No, you shall stay in Riverdale until you are ready to depart with the Fellowship. But keep it hush hush; I'm going to make it look like I thought up that name for them on the spot."

"What the hell is wrong with you people?" Emily demanded. At least know how to pronounce the name of the place where you apparently live. She managed to refrain from adding that last bit. "Why am I here? Is my cousin in on this? I don't own anything vluable or worth stealing, you know."

"Joe didn't tell you?" Again, genuine emotions, he looked surprised.

"Joe?"

"Yes, Joe."

"But… never mind. Who is Joe?"

"The one who went after you," Elrond said. "He is rather injured."

"That's what generally happens when you attack someone and there's hot coffee in the vicinity." She smiled, remembering that altercation. The smile faded as she remembered the pink thing on her television. What the hell had happened? Could these guys be telling the truth? Something was very, very messed up here. Sure, you read stories about girls prancing around in Middle-earth like complete dolts, but that sort of thing doesn't actually happen outside the imaginations of hormone-riddled teen girls.

"So you are a warrior?" Elrond asked, pulling her out of her thoughts.

"What the hell? There's no way! That guy looked like he had no clue what was going on."

"Take some credit, you are a fine warrior."

"I threw coffee on someone and hit him with a telephone... and a plate."

"Good job."

"You don't care about… Joe?"

"He'll be fine," Elrond said, waving a hand dismissively.

"So I guess I'm not much of a warrior then, am I?"

"Er… I guess not. But you should still go on the journey with the Fellowship."

Emily smiled in self-satisfaction and drank the rest of her wine. She swallowed it and then attempted to look happy. After all, if she could prove she was a crappy warrior and good-for-nothing, then there was no chance that she'd be sent off with the Fellowship. Come on, it happened to everyone, but really it didn't seem all that great. Sure, it gives teenage girls a chance to get close to lust objects, but there are also months of traveling, horrible battles, no modern hygiene and probably days without food. She stopped there as she caught herself immagining that this was real. This was some ploy that would backfire soon enough.

"I will have Marty and Josh teach you."

"First off," Emily siad, playing along, "there is no way I'm going on some crazy suicide mission. Second off, who are Marty and Josh?"

"But why won't you go? And what is wrong with Marty and Josh?"

"Can't I just go home?" Emily asked.

"No, the fate of Middle-earth rests on your shoulders."

"Yeah," Emily said, giving him a look that clearly said 'you are _insane_'. "No pressure, though, right?"

"I have full faith in you."

"You shouldn't. They can do it on their own, anyways. They don't need my incompetent ass following them all around."

"You should not think that way. You are needed."

"No, I'm not."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

"Don't you think arguing like four-year-olds is a little undignified?"

"No."

"Whatever, I'm going to go find a way home." Emily took a swig from the bottle and stood up.

"There is no way back, this is your home now."

"What? And you thought I'd be okay with that?"

"Well… yes, actually, I did. This is your true home and true family."

"If I didn't have anything against being a murderer, I swear I would wring your neck… or at least attempt to!" Emily left the room, leaving her very shocked 'father' behind.

"Lady Emily!" said a very energetic and happy voice. Damn it, did this guy not realize there's more to life than stalking her around?

"Do you ever give up?"

"Of course not, silly!"

"I hate you… who the hell are you anyways?"

"You do not remember me from when you were younger? I do not believe it; it is I, your childhood friend, Prince Legolas!" He stood still for a moment, posing with a hand over his heart.

"Right, I should have guessed that one." Emily rolled her eyes. "Well, I'm going to go figure out how to get home; then kill my cousin. You know, I called the police; they'll be at my dorm. Someone will figure out what happened... somehow, and then you are all in for a world of trouble!" Emily continued grumbling to herself as she went off in search of the room that she'd waken up in.

-

End of chapter one.

Emily is in Middle-earth and boy is she bitter about it.


	3. Intermission One: The First Of Many Evil...

**One Mixed Up Mary-Sue**

-

_Intermission One: The First Of Many Evils (a.k.a. THE SONGFIC OF DOOM)_

Notes:

The lyrics are in italics.

These lyrics are the ones by The Turtles. Simple Plan did a cover of this song, apparently they changed the lyrics a bit.

Finally, I got these lyrics off the oh-so-reliable web. If you find any errors, let me know and I will fix them.

-

"Lady Emily!" Legolas called out, running up to her.

"What do you want now?" Emily had left the safety of what she was now calling 'her' room in order to get to know the place (it didn't seem like they were letting her leave anytime soon.)

"Let's go walk in the gardens!" Legolas smiled and tried to hold her hand.

"No," Emily refused, taking her hand from him.

"Please?" This guy seemed to have a thing with pouting.

"No."

"Please?"

"No!"

"Pretty please?" he asked, looking like he was going to cry if she said no.

"Will it shut you up?"

"Yes."

"Fine," Emily regretted saying the moment it left her mouth.

"Yippie," Legolas said, grabbing her arm. "Let's go, then." He started running and Emily almost tripped (more than once) trying to keep up.

_Imagine me and you I do._

"Do you hear that?" Emily asked, looking around nervously. "I know that song, why is it here? And where is it coming from?" Yeah, sure, maybe rich people could hook up speakers in their backyard (which was huge, by the way,) but if these guys were trying to keep up with their story of her being in Middle-earth, they weren't doing a very good job.

_I think about you day and night_.

"Okay, I'm positive I'm not hearing things now. Where is the music coming from?" She continued looking around- she couldn't even see the speakers.

"What music?"

"Don't you hear it, you dense… elf?"

"I guess," Legolas said, shrugging it off. "Look, isn't it beautiful?" He pointed at a rosebush. Emily wished that he would go try to grab one.

_I think about you day and night_.

"Seriously, that's starting to freak me out." Emily said, still trying to find the source of the old Turtles song. This place was getting really, really fucked up.

_It's only right._

"I don't hear anything strange, Lady Emily."

"Oh, and I suppose that random songs just start playing out of nowhere around here all the time, then?"

_To think about the girl you love_.

"Do you remember when we were children, Lady Emily?" He was staring off into space, reminiscing on some made-up memories.

"That doesn't seem all that possible to me, seeing as you've got a good couple thousand on me." Emily pointed this out flatly.

_And hold her tight_.

"Oh, I am sure in time you will remember everything." Legolas threw his arms around her and hugged the unsuspecting girl.

"Let go of me!"

_So happy together._

Legolas smiled and continued nearly suffocating Emily with his hug, so she stepped on his foot.

_If I should call you up, invest a dime._

"I was so happy when Elrond announced you were coming back!" Legolas exclaimed.

"Against my will," Emily added.

_And you say you belong to me._

"I missed you."

"Are you _sure_ it isn't my cousin that you guys want back?"

_And ease my mind._

"Are you going to let go of me?" Emily eventually asked, quite annoyed.

_Imagine how the world could be._

"It is good that you have returned, Lady Emily. Everyone missed you so much when you left."

_So very fine_.

"Right, except I never lived here."

"I am sure you will remember soon."

_So happy together_.

"I am glad you're back, even if you don't remember being here." He sounded so truly happy. He must have been delusional.

"Well I'm not glad!" Emily yelled, all the while trying to escape from his hug.

_I can see me lovin' nobody but you._

Legolas finally stopped hugging her.

_For all my life._

"Finally," Emily said. "I _do_ like to breathe, thank you very much!"

_When you're with me baby the skies'll be blue._

"It is amazing that you have returned," Legolas said, staring off into nowhere again.

"Haven't we already established that?" Emily asked, waving a hand in front of his face.

_For all my life_.

"I thought that day would never come."

"Sadly, it did." Yeah, sadly that day had come and she had had no choice in the matter. She fumed silently at the ass who had dragged her here.

_Me and you and you and me._

"Do not be sad." He put a hand on her cheek and Emily swatted it away. "It is sad that you cannot return to the other world-"

"What?" That was a joke, right? She could go home. She just needed to find another of those pink, swirly things…

_No matter how they toss the dice._

"You cannot return. But this is your real home."

_It had to be._

"Why not?" Emily asked. "And this is most certainly _not_ my real home."

"The portal can only be opened once."

_The only one for me is you._

"But you should be happy; we will be together forever now!"

_And you for me._

"Oh joy," Emily said sarcastically. There had to be a way back. There was no way that she could put up with all of this shit until the day that she died.

_So happy together._

"Just what I've always wanted… to spend my life with _you_." Emily said sarcastically. She shuddered and glared at him, but he didn't seem to get the message.

"I know, isn't it wonderful?"

_I can see me lovin' nobody but you._

"I now officially hate this song."

_For all my life_.

"You do realize that if I'm forced to stay here I'd probably kill myself." She could jump off a window or something.

"You can't kill yourself. We elves are too perfect to do that."

_When you're with me baby the skies'll be blue._

"Well than it's a good thing that I'm a human!" Emily yelled.

_For all my life._

"It is just because of how you were raised that you believe that, I am sure. Your parents must have been horrible." Legolas frowned and tried to touch her on the shoulder.

"Actually, they weren't. And if you tough me I'll break your arm."

_Me and you and you and me_.

"It is alright, you can cry if you need to." Legolas said, resting a hand on her shoulder despite the warning. "I'll be there for you."

"What?"

_No matter how they toss the dice_.

"You must learn to open yourself up to others."

"I'm so confused…" And she actually was. This guy was so stupid he couldn't follow a simple conversation without saying something completely irrelevant.

_It had to be._

"We should get back indoors," Legolas said.

"Why? It's still fine outside."

_The only one for me is you._

"Let's go," once more he grabbed her arm, running inside this time. Emily was running behind him, trying to keep up, once more.

_And you for me_.

"Damn this song! When will it end?" Emily was actually getting fed up, and it didn't help that the song had followed her inside.

_So happy together._

"I am anything but happy right now!"

_Me and you and you and me_.

Legolas stopped abruptly. Emily ran into his back and fell backwards onto the floor.

_No matter how they toss the dice._

"Lady Emily!"

"What?" Emily asked, picking herself up off the ground.

_It had to be._

"Are you hurt?"

_The only one for me is you._

"No, now leave me alone."

_And you for me_.

"Please, do not bottle yourself up. You cannot keep yourself shut to others."

_So happy together_.

Emily narrowed her eyes and glared at the elf. He really was not getting the picture here. "I do not like you, actually I rather _hate_ you. Please, leave me alone."

_So happy together._

Legolas smiled and hugged her again, either he was ignoring her comments, or he didn't care.

"Let go of me! You're so annoying!"

_How is the weather_.

"I said let go!"

_So happy together._

Emily was getting pissed, and Legolas was playing on her last nerve.

_We're happy together._

"Let go of me, now!"

"Please, Lady Emily, do not be so angry," he said, trying to calm down the shouting girl.

_So happy together._

"And why not?" she asked. "All you've done since I met you is annoy the living hell out of me!"

"Please, I've missed you so much!" He was pleading, now, trying to get her to stop yelling.

_Happy together_.

"You're so stupid!"

"I love you, too."

_So happy together._

"Excuse me?" Emily couldn't think of any other words. This guy had issues.

_So happy together._

"You know what? I don't care if it's still daytime, I'm going to bed." She turned and stomped away from him, in search of 'her' room, which she had no clue how to find.

-

Okay, this one's over. I didn't change very much on this one, just a bit here and there. Yay.

Lou: Well at McDonald's you can buy a Krusty Burger with cheese right, but, they don't call it a Krusty Burger with cheese.

Chief Wiggum: Get out. Well what do they call it?

Lou: A quarter pounder with cheese.

Cheif Wiggum: Quarter pounder with cheese! Well I can picture the cheese but uh... do they have Krusty partially gilatinated non-dairy gum based beverages?

Lou: Mmhm. They call 'em shakes.


	4. Chapter Two

**One Mixed Up Mary-Sue  
**_  
Chapter Two_

-

Emily woke up and groaned. Damn, you would think that someone would have realized that all-white rooms get very bright, which was _not_ very pleasant to wake up to in the morning. Yes, she'd actually lost stalker-Legolas yesterday and gotten to bed after about twenty minutes of wandering.

"My lady, you are awake!"

Emily rolled over and narrowed her eyes at the annoying elven prince. Apparently she _hadn't_ lost him. He was sitting in a chair across the room. Yep, you guessed it; it was a white, shiny chair. And it looked like a three-year-old had spilled their glitter glue on it while they were trying to make a painting or something.

"What are you, a stalker?" She asked, sitting up in bed. Even though she was clothed, she covered herself with the heavy duvet.

"No, my Lady, I was worried for you."

"You could have worried _outside_, maybe?"

He smiled and walked towards her.

"If you do not stay seven feet from me, I swear I will have a restraining order put on you!" Emily said, standing and running to the other side of the room.

"My Lady, please."

"Stop calling me that!"

"But-"

"Just stop, my name is Emily! It's not _that_ hard to remember, is it?"

"No," he said, standing well within the seven feet that she had allotted him.

"Hey, what are you doing? Don't touch me! I'll make you regret this." She took a breath and yelled as loud as she could. "I'm being harassed! I'm being harassed. Someone help me!" That felt good. Legolas flinched and stepped back. Then he pouted, yes, pouted. This was getting very pathetic.

"Hey, isn't anyone going to come help me?" Emily asked, sticking her head out the door after having stood in silence for a moment. "I just screamed, quite loudly I'll add."

Elrond walked by, chuckling.

"Didn't you hear me?" Emily asked, glaring at her 'father'. Apparently those good old parental protection instincts weren't there with him.

"Young love," he said, shaking his head and walking away.

Emily stood in shock for a moment. Then resisted the urge to chase him down and beat him senseless with a blunt object, instead she threw a book at the back of his head and ducked back into the room. Really, how mad could he get? She could say that a ghost did it and he'd probably believe her. Weirder shit was going on here, anyways.

"Lady Emily," Legolas said, grabbing her hand.

"I said don't touch me!" She pushed him out the door and then slammed it shut. She walked back over to her bed and plopped down, trying to get some more sleep. Of course things couldn't go her way.

"He speaks the truth," Legolas said from the other side of the door. "I do love you."

"My Lady, you must get up!" Someone came into the room, fussing around, pulling back the curtains properly, because, oh no, the room hadn't been bright enough before.

"What do you want?" Emily asked, opening an eye.

"I'm Susan, your maid. You must get ready for breakfast; everyone's waiting for you. I-"

"Hold the phone. Susan?" Emily interrupted.

"Yes?"

"Your name is Susan?"

"Yes, My Lady."

"Susan?"

"Yes."

"Okay then… Susan…"

"Is something the matter?"

"Oh no, not at all; unless you count yesterday, that is. You know, showing up in this shiny room and being told some creepy guy is my dad. Then there's stalker boy." The whole affair was pretty much wrong, but she didn't mention that.

"Prince Legolas?"

"Give the girl a prize."

"I think he likes you." Susan grinned and patted Emily on the head.

"Really, what was your first clue?"

"Well, he-"

"That was sarcasm, Susan." Apparently Legolas wasn't the only stupid one here.

"Oh, I see."

"Whatever, now what was this about breakfast?" Emily said, her stomach growling. She hadn't eaten since dinner the night before she had come here.

"That's not very ladylike," Susan said.

"Deal with it, Susan," Emily snapped, getting out of bed for the second time this morning. She stretched, and then scratched her head. "Okay, let's go eat." She opened the door, but Susan pulled her back into the room and pushed the door shut.

"What?" Emily was not happy about being separated from her breakfast any longer than she had to be.

"You're not proper!"

"What does that mean?"

"You're not dressed properly!" Susan exclaimed. She shook her head, taking in the girl's appearance. Dark jeans and a t-shirt that was a bit too big, and the outfit was all topped off with an old zippered sweater that had seen better days. Emily thought it was fine, but apparently to the elves it was completely inappropriate.

"So what? Where I come from I eat in my _pyjamas_ every day. Today I'm in actual clothes. And it's not like I exactly asked to come here and be stuck in fancy dresses."

"You truly come from a strange world. But here, you must get dressed." Susan crossed her arms.

"Look, I'm just about as dressed as I'm ever going to be."

"You must wear something proper! These colours are all wrong! Blue went out of style a long time ago." She wasn't going to budge, so Emily just gave in.

"Yes, mother," said Emily, rolling her eyes.

"Good," Susan said, opening up a sparkly white armoire and taking down a red dress that was maybe the equivalent of a size two.

"I'm supposed to wear that?"

"Yes," Susan said, holding up the dress, which was definitely made for a very tall and slim elf.

"It's not going to fit." Emily said, crossing her arms and turning away to hide the pink in her cheeks.

"Of course it will!" Susan said. "You are the fairest in the land, you can wear whatever you want to."

"That was original… but I still need a six."

Once she'd proven her point by trying on the dress, Emily was walking around in her clothes from home. After searching around for quite a while, she finally found where breakfast was at.

"Mmm… food," Emily said, pushing open a door. Everyone was talking and laughing, it was like some sort of big, happy, twisted family. She tried to find somewhere to sit, but the only empty place at the large table was beside everyone's favourite stalker.

After filling a plate, she took it outside to eat.

Sadly, she was dragged back inside by Legolas, who oh-so-kindly pulled out her chair for her. She glared at him, but of course he didn't notice. So, she just planned to eat a quiet breakfast, then go straight back to bed, maybe she'd wake up at home. Yeah, probably not, but being tried really sucks, damn it!

Apparently, this would not work. Apparently it would be good for her to hear what was going on. After a moment, she decided that this family was very boring. Arwen was just spending time on her makeup and Elrond was talking aimlessly about the fate of the world and how she had something important to do with it. Elrond continued talking on and on, sometimes talking about Arwen. It seemed that Emily was short two brothers.

"Don't you think anyone's err, _missing_?" She asked Elrond, hoping that this was not in fact movie-verse and they were outside or something.

"No, why do you ask?"

"Oh, I don't know." She returned to picking at her food.

"What troubles you?" Legolas asked, resting a hand on her knee.

"Nothing," Emily said, pushing him away. "Now let go of my leg or I'll stab you with my butter knife."

A few moments later, Arwen excused herself to go check her face.

'Lucky,' Emily thought to herself. 'She gets to go do whatever, while I'm stuck here, listening to this crap.'

"What are you doing?" Emily demanded, elbowing Legolas in the gut.

"I'm holding your hand, My Lady!"

"Well, stop it!" Emily stood up and walked out of the room. Yeah, Elrond would probably be mad, but what would he do? Ground her? Oh no, then there would be no way for him to send her on the quest, how horrible!

"Wait!" Legolas called, chasing after her.

"Legolas go away," Emily said, and then sighed. "You're being stupid."

"My Lady, please…" he took her hands in his. "I know it is hard for you."

"Legolas," Emily said, twitching.

"Yes?"

"You're touching me again." She said flatly. "Let go of me now."

"Lady Emily," he started, but Emily didn't let him finish.

"You are so hard-headed!"

"Lady Emily!"

"What?"

"Why do you do this?"

"I warned you, elf-boy!"

"I understand," he said, again in her personal space.

"You are so annoying!" Emily picked up a book and hit him on the head with it. Books seemed to come in handy a lot around here. They also seemed to materialize out of nowhere. It was weird, but she wasn't complaining.

"My Lady!"

"What?" She hit him again, and started chasing him, a rather insane look in her eyes. He ran outside and after only a moment, Emily had no idea whatsoever where he was.

"Damn elf… pansy," she said, breathing heavily. Then she caught sight of Legolas. Figuring it wasn't worth the time, she started walking in the opposite direction.

"My Lady!" He yelled after her.

"Go away, Legolas!" She yelled over her shoulder.

"Wait!"

"No!" She started running, paying little attention to where she was going. So it wasn't the prettiest scene when she was running through the stables and tripped over a lump on the floor. She picked herself up off of the floor and tried to get the straw out of her hair and clothes.

"What the-" she stopped short when she saw what she had tripped over.

"Well," she couldn't help but grin. "That explains a lot."

Lying, unconscious on the floor, was a golden-haired elf.

-

So, I didn't like this chapter's ending but I didn't change it, because I think that it worked. So, woo-hoo, another chapter is re-done.


	5. Chapter Three

**One Mixed Up Mary-Sue**

-

_Chapter Three: Shovels Are For Digging Not Hitting_

-

"Hello?" Emily asked, sitting up on the floor of the stable, staring at the elf.

No reply, he just lay there. He was breathing though, which was a good sign.

"Hey, wake up!" She clapped her hands together in his face. "Hello! Hey, wake up buddy! Legolas, where are you? Get your ass in here!"

"What is it, Lady Emily?" He rushed into the small building and was by her side in less than four seconds.

"Look," she said, poking the unconscious elf.

"What happened to Frank?"

"Frank?"

"Yes, Frank… that is his name."

"I have no clue," she tried again to wake him up. "Hey Frank, get your ass up or… um… well, something really bad will happen!"

No reply.

"Fine," Emily huffed. She pulled a handful of his hair. "Get your ass up this second!"

That worked.

"What? What are you doing?" He demanded, sitting up. "Who do you think you are?"

"I'm waking you up, idiot," Emily replied. "Do you need help to stand?"

"No," he said. He tried to stand, and then fell down. "Perhaps… yes."

"What happened?" Emily asked, trying to lift him up with her arms hooked under his. "You have to help too, you know… porker."

"Excuse me?"

"As in help yourself stand up. Hey, where's Legolas?" Emily looked over her shoulder but saw no sign of her elven stalker. Apparently he had taken off for somewhere.

"Hey, are you alright?" Emily asked. He was holding his head. "Please don't tell me that I went through this shit because you had too much to drink last night!"

"No, I remember, I was coming to- Oh no, the hobbit! I have to go help him!"

"I think that's been taken care of."

"What do you mean?"

"Arwen went for you, isn't that nice?"

"No, that girl is certainly _not _nice. Earlier today, she walked up behind me and attached me with a shovel!"

"Alright, calm down. You have to get that looked at, though. It looks pretty bad." She cringed at the mark on top of his head.

"How badly did she hit me?"

"You have a huge lump and cut on your head."

"What," he said, feeling the area and flinching.

"You're Glorfindel, aren't you?" Emily asked.

"Well… yes. How would you have known my name? I doubt that we have ever met."

"It must have been a lucky guess." Emily looked up as Legolas ran towards her and Glorfindel, followed by two other elves.

"Legolas," Emily said, rolling her eyes. "What are you doing?"

"We're here to help you. I do not want you hurt."

"Um, I'm not the hurt one, buddy." Emily said.

"They will take Frank inside, you should go rest." He looked her in the eye. "It has been a trying day for you."

"Legolas, it's not even lunch time yet."

"Yes, but you were saying earlier-"

"I'm fine. And who are they?" Emily asked, looking at the two that had come with Legolas.

"Oh, that's Jacques and that's Bob."

"Jacques and Bob?"

"Yes."

"Hello, My Lady. I am Jacques." one of the two newcomers said in a crappy French accent.

"Argh!" Emily threw her hands up in exasperation, and Glorfindel almost fell down. "Sorry about that," she said, scrambling to keep him from falling on his ass.

"My Lady, we should go inside, you will catch a cold," Legolas said, pretending to be cold in the beautiful weather.

"What are you talking about? It's warm out!"

"It is," Glorfindel said. Legolas glared at him. Emily rolled her eyes. Jacques and Bob looked uncomfortable.

"Jacques and Bob will take you inside, Frank. Lady Emily-"

"I swear if this guy could walk straight, I would drop him and kill you."

"Oh, I'm sure you don't mean it." Legolas said. He hugged her, and she stepped on his foot. Glorfindel laughed, Jacques and Bob still looked uncomfortable.

"Let's go inside," Legolas said, smiling.

"Let's not…" Emily said. "Here, you guys take him, I'm too weak."

"Nonsense, you are the strongest person I know!" Legolas insisted. Damn it, wasn't he just saying a few seconds ago that Jacques and Bob should take Glorfindel? And what was with the Frank stuff?

"Owwie, I'm hurt!" Emily whined sarcastically.

After a few seconds of shuffling around, Jacques and Bob were helping Glorfindel and doing a much better job at it than Emily had been doing.

"My lady," Legolas said. "Would you walk with me?"

"There is no way on earth that I would, Legolas." Emily said. On her own, she trudged back to the main building. It was almost lunch, and she wanted to eat before Legolas did, so that she wouldn't have to sit with him. When she reached the kitchen, she peeked inside, her curiosity getting the best of her.

There were four elves bustling about. None of them looked like they knew exactly what they were doing. They greeted her warmly, and she was introduces to the quartet of misplaced kitchen workers, Phil, Mary, Lisa and Bob (the Second.)

Unfortunately, they hadn't let her have an early lunch, or even any samples. She was forced to eat with the rest of the household. During the meal, Elrond had introduced her to a Mr. Wirsleiref. When Emily had asked him where his name came from, he had shrugged.

Besides being forced to listen to this guy talk about the "good old days," lunch went pretty smoothly. The food was good, she had expected the kitchen staff's inexperience to show, but this was much better than anything that she had ever made on her own. As she was getting ready to leave, in walked Legolas, and the meal was ruined.

"Lady Emily!" He said in a high-pitched voice, skipping towards her, a wade grin on his face.

"What do you want?" Emily demanded, drumming her fingers on the table.

"Why only to spend time with you," he replied.

"Really?"

"Yes," his face turned to a worried expression. "Do you not believe me?"

"Of course not, you idiot," Emily said. "You stalk me around like a lunatic."

"But-"

"But nothing! Now, go do something useful."

"Like what, my Lady?" Legolas looked like his heart had been shattered.

"I don't know! Go find yourself a life!" Emily got up from the table and stormed off. Maybe she would be better off if she just ignored him entirely…

Legolas skipped off smiling. Apparently he had never heard that particular expression.

Emily sighed and looked around. After a brief moment of debate, she decided to go and take a walk around outside. Besides its many annoying inhabitants, Rivendell was actually very nice. Eventually she reached a not-so-nice area, though. The ground had a few deep pits dug into it. They were roped off and surrounded with caution signs. One read: Plothole Zone- Do Not Enter. As she was standing there, idly contemplating what the hell this meant, Legolas took the opportunity to sneak up behind her.

"Lady Emily," he called out to her, waving.

"What do you want?" Apparently a few moments of peace was too much to ask for around here.

"I think I found that life!" he declared, swelling with pride.

"What?"

"A life, I found one! It was an injured bird and I saved its life. Aren't you proud? I named it Emily, after you, because it was such a beautiful creature."

"Legolas, it was a figure of speech…" Emily pointed out. "That's not how it works at all."

"A figure what?"

"Never mind, Legolas."

"Hey, let's be adventurous and go explore in there!" Legolas said, grabbing her hand and pulling her into the roped-off Plothole Zone.

"No, let go of me!" Emily yelled as she was being dragged behind the insane elf. If she had some coffee and a telephone right now, he would be in a lot of pain- she had experience with that kind of improvised self-defence (even though it hadn't exactly _worked_.)

"Look," Legolas said, stopping dead in his tracks. "They're all marked."

In front of each pit was a sign planted into the ground. Every sign had some different topic written on it. For example, one said "Everyone speaks fluent English."

"Yay, let's play!" Legolas said, skipping once around again.

"You idiot," Emily said, grabbing him by the arm, "we have to get out of here!"

"But why?"

"Maybe because the sign said 'Do Not Enter!'"

"So? Where's your rebellious side?" Legolas asked. "As a child you were always up for an adventure."

"I guess I lost it when I was being kidnapped."

"You're just not opening up to me because of a depressing childhood that resulted in you closing yourself off to the world… Don't worry, I understand; my father was cruel and mean and abusive. But I will get revenge on him one day, and then I shall be King of Mirkwood."

Emily narrowed her eyes and smacked him on the back of the head. "Please, Lady Emily. What would the children say?"

"What… children?" Emily asked, not really wanting to hear his answer.

"When we have children, they-"

"There is no fucking way that I will be having your children, you freak!" Emily yelled in horror. She turned around to run, but with all of her grace and agility, fell right into a plothole. She managed to grab onto a tree root before falling to the bottom. Suddenly, she happened to find herself in a very unpleasant situation. Sighing, she sucked up her pride.

"Legolas, help me!"

"You… you… you don't want children?" Tears welled up in his eyes. He wasn't listening to her cries for help.

"We'll talk about it later; now help me out of here." On one hand she felt bad because she'd only say no again later. But on the other hand she was falling into some plothole. For all she knew it could be the "I'm Pretty… Really!" plothole, and if she fell, she would emerge tiny, blonde and with no intelligence.

"Okay!" Legolas was happy again. Jeez, that elf got worse mood swings than a pregnant woman.

-

That's the end of chapter 3.


	6. Chapter Four

**One Mixed Up Mary-Sue **

-

Chapter 4

-

Emily sighed, she'd been hanging in the stupid pit quite a while now, and Legolas was nowhere to be seen- not that she could see very far. But she was stuck; if there had been something that she could have grabbed hold of to get herself out, she would have done so.

"Lady Emily? Why are you still in that hole?" Legolas asked eventually, peering down at her over the edge of the pit.

"You haven't had the decency yet to help me out, that's why!" Emily yelled back at him.

"But, I am sure you could get out yourself. You do not need my help."

"Just get me out of here you pansy elf!"

"My love, I fear I cannot save you! But I do not wish to lose you; we were together for such a little time. What can I do? What a tragic ending this is for us, I do not believe I could go on without you." He recited his little speech, all the while wiping tears from his face.

"Legolas," Emily said, throwing a wad of dirt (it was the only thing available) at him, trying to knock him out of whatever daze he was in. "Get me the hell out of here!"

Legolas screeched once the dirt had made contact with him. "Must… go… wash!" He ran off, screaming like a banshee.

"Legolas, you jerk!" Emily tried to reach the top of the hole, but couldn't get a grip on anything. She was actually debating letting go and falling into whatever horrible fate awaited her at the pink, swirling bottom of the pit.

"Emily?" It was Elrond. Emily didn't care what he wanted, she would put up with his shit in a circumstance like the one that she had been forced into right now.

"I'm down here! And what do you want?" Emily looked up at Elrond, who was glaring down at her, clearly annoyed.

"What are you doing here?" He asked as if she were a child who had gone to play instead of coming home for dinner. "You are desperately needed!"

"Needed?"

"Yes."

"Well, why don't you get me out of here and then I'll think about it. This place is kinds cramped."

"Fine, I'll go find someone to get you out." He sighed and walked off. "What trouble to young people _not_ get into these days?"

"Great," Emily said, sighing. This had been a very, very long morning.

Elrond eventually returned with 'Marty and Josh', who weren't too keen on the subject of helping her. Really, if out of nowhere your father had said that you weren't his kids and that some strange girl was, you'd be pretty ticked, too, maybe even bitter. But, as annoyed as they were to help her, Emily was quickly taken inside and Elrond invited her to the libraries to speak with him. "Marty" and "Josh" followed them.

"Airlaneh wolment haylin," he said quietly to her.

"What do you want?" she asked. "You aren't making any sense."

"Irein aorlanct wolment, Emily!" He looked upset, as if she should know what the hell he was saying.

"What the hell is he saying?" Emily asked, turning to either Elladan or Elrohir, she had no idea which, seeing as how they didn't really want to speak to her. They both shrugged and looked away, offering her no help. Emily picked up a small book and whacked Elrond on the back of the head. One of the two looked like he was about to hit her back for his brainwashed father, but the other stopped him, saying something so quietly that Emily couldn't hear.

"Hello? What the hell do you want me to do?" Emily asked, waving a hand in front of Elrond's face. "Remember a few minutes ago when you said that I'm apparently needed? Does that still stand, or can I go home now?"

"Oh yes, that." He frowned and thunder boomed and the sky clouded over. "You must go!"

"Finally you get it!" Emily said, overjoyed that he finally understood that she just wanted to get the hell out of here.

"You must go," he repeated, "save the ring bearer!"

"And there go my dreams, down the toilet."

"You must make haste," Elrond said. "You are our only hope to save him!"

"But what about Glorfindel?" Emily asked. "Isn't he better by now? He seemed okay when I found him."

"Who?" Elrond asked, as if he had never heard of anyone of that name before.

"Lord Glorfindel is still recovering from the blow that our sister dealt to him in her madness," one of the twins (the one that had wanted to hit her earlier) said suddenly. It was the first time that Emily had heard them speak. "He will be fine in a few days."

"Well, where's she?" Emily asked. "She knocked him out, she should go."

"Arwen is busy doing her makeup, things like that are important to her." Elrond said.

"Well I'm not going; you can get someone else to do it.' Emily frowned and crossed her arms.

"If you do not go, he will die." Elrond said. "Now how would you like the death of a hobbit on your conscious?"

"Honestly?" Emily asked. "I wouldn't really care."

"My Lady, you must," said a newcomer to the conversation. "I know that you can do it."

"Go to hell, Legolas!" Emily walked over to him and kicked him in the shins. "Besides, I haven't ridden a horse since I was fourteen! Five years is a lot to humans!"

"Then it is good that you are an elf," Elrond said.

"I am not an elf!" Emily protested.

"This arguing is doing nothing," the same brother who had piped up earlier did so again. "I wish that you would send one of us. The girl is clearly unfit for such a task. My brother or I could accomplish this with much less difficulty than some inexperienced child."

"That is enough, Marty!" Elrond shouted. "I will not have you saying such things of my children in my own home!"

'Marty' stood quickly and silently left the room. His brother followed after him, speaking in a language that Emily didn't understand.

"Whatever, I'm going to bed. And you," she pointed at Legolas, "if you come in my room I will make sure you never, ever get kids… with me or anyone else!"

"She loves you," Elrond said. "I can see it in her eyes."

Hearing this, Emily yelled and quickened her pace. Once more, she should have been paying more attention to where she was going. Cursing under her breath, she wandered aimlessly until bumping into her best friends.

"What exactly do you think you are doing here?" 'Marty' asked.

"I don't exactly want to be here," Emily said. "I _wish _that I could go home, and that this had never happened."

"Brother," the second (and quieter) half of the pair said. "There is nothing that our bitterness will accomplish." He laid a hand on his brother's shoulder. "I am Elladan, and my brother is Elrohir."

"I'm Emily."

"As much as I disagree with my father imposing this task on you, I must agree with him. You should go to find the ring bearer."

"Why the hell would you say that?" Emily asked. "Earlier you guys were completely against me going."

"I will not lie to you," Elrohir said. "I just tried to leave, but none of the horses will bear me. It seems that they are all as mad as everyone else. Maybe they will carry you."

"Besides," Elladan added. "Our father is convinced that we are servants and has assigned us the task of putting up decorations for the guests that will be arriving shortly."

"You need to decorate?" Emily asked

"Yes, decorate."

"That's very, very sad." Emily laughed. "I thought that I had it bad."

"You have not even seen the house's finest musicians; they have been put to work in the kitchens." The trio managed a small laugh.

"Sounds like fun, but apparently I've got a hobbit to save and no idea how to find him."

"Asfaloth should know the way," Elrohir said. "Follow me."

The white horse in question didn't look too happy. He became even more enraged when a saddle was fastened to his back. It looked ready to fall apart, and apparently hadn't been used in a little while.

"Is that… safe?" Emily asked.

"That would depend on which you are referring to." Elladan said. "The tack is safe, it is old but sturdy. The horse… well, it would be for the best if you tried not to upset him, he can be rather unruly."

"Wonderful," Emily said, climbing onto Alfaloth's back. The horse snorted and shook its head, but was otherwise calm.

"Good luck," Elrohir said. "And remember, we are sending you only as a last resort." He paused. "Here, I was going to take this." He handed her a pack full of food.

"Thank you," Emily said, smiling weakly. As she left, she could still feel the uneasiness between them and herself. But she pushed it out of her mind and focused on not falling off of Asfaloth's back.

And so began an oh-so-wonderful adventure.


	7. Chapter Five

**One Mixed Up Mary-Sue **

Chapter Five

-

"Legs… hurt… very unpleasant…" Emily mumbled to herself as Asfaloth trotted along, either ignorant to her pain, or just plain ignoring it. She slumped forward in the saddle, trying to keep her eyes open. It had been a few hours, Emily wasn't sure exactly how long, but she knew for sure that it had been too long for her liking. "Nine days of this hell? I'm not going to be able to do it." Emily said, trying not to fall off of the horse.

The trip went on in the same manner for quite a bit longer. Besides the one short break that she took to eat, it was almost a day straight of riding, and Emily wondered if she would be able to walk at all once this was all over. That evening, when the sun was starting to set, Emily was contemplating stopping for the night when she heard voices up ahead.

"Hello?" Emily called out. It probably wasn't the brightest idea, but she wasn't exactly thinking clearly at the moment. "Is anyone up there?" Two figures shot out of the trees to her left; scaring Asfaloth (either that or the horse was sick of carrying her.) Emily toppled backwards and hit the ground on her back.

"Ow…" Emily said quietly, wondering which of her body parts would be in working order when she arrived home. "Hello, is anyone out there? Don't make me get up." The two figures that had run our of the bushes each grabbed one of her arms- apparently those wouldn't make it back in good condition, either.

"Let go of me, you parasites!" Emily yelled, attempting feebly to shake them off.

"Emily, you're the best! Do you want to hear a joke?" one asked.

"Do you want to play a game?" the other asked.

"Help me…" she looked up at Asfaloth, but he turned around so that all that she could see was his rear end. "Thanks," she muttered before turning to look at one of the two annoying little parasites, which she concluded were probably hobbits. "Can you tell me where Frodo is?"

"We don't know," they both said, letting go of her arms.

"Well go find him, then!" Emily shouted. "And come back here when you've found him… I don't think I can really move."

"Okay, see you later!" Both hobbits ran off, chatting between themselves.

"Emily!" a man's voice called. Footsteps approached her, and then someone helped her to sit up. "What happened to you?"

"I fell off of the horse…" Emily said, feeling a bit embarrassed about it.

"I will heal you," the man said. "I'm Aragorn, and I'm going to be a king. I can also heal people. Oh, and I love you very much."

"Are you fucking serious?" Emily moved out of his grip and slowly got to her feet. "You're _engaged_, buddy! Now, I need to find Frodo, where is he?"

"In my haste to see you, I kind of misplaced him." Aragorn said, as if it was a valid explanation. "He must be around here somewhere."

"Here he is!" The two parasites said, dragging Frodo along behind them.

"Hey, where's the fourth hobbit?" Emily asked. This place had driven her half way to insanity, but she was pretty sure that she could still count.

"Oh, Sam is off cooking us some supper," Aragorn said. "I think its stew."

"But we _always_ have stew," one of the hobbits whined.

"I want something different," the other added.

"Your friend is dieing," Emily pointed out. "Why the hell do you care about what's for dinner? You know what, don't answer that. You," she pointed at Aragorn, "give me a hand over here."

After swallowing her pride and getting help from Aragorn, Emily was ready to leave, with Frodo sitting in front of her on the white horse.

"Alright Asfaloth, let's go." She nudged him with her heels and he started walking. Eventually they were back to a trot and Emily was not feeling very well. It felt like the horse was taking every possible measure to make this journey as painful as possible. Frodo was muttering to himself, and Emily was amusing herself by pretending to have conversations with him.

Eventually, one of her conversations with Frodo was interrupted by a loud screech. Swearing loudly, Emily kicked Asfaloth with her heels.

Frodo continued to mumble incoherently.

"Damn it Arwen! What the hell?" When she got back she was going to have a long conversation with that girl about why we _don't_ hit people with shovels.

"Hey Frodo… wanna sing a song?" Emily asked the semi-conscious hobbit. Frodo mumbled some more. Emily took that as a "yes."

"Always look on the bright side of life! Do do do do! Do do do do do do!" The song was more to distract herself from the impending doom surrounding them than to distract the hobbit, but whatever, it served the purpose. Well. it did until she was cut off by another screech.

After a little while longer, Emily heard running water- that had been fast! Whatever, she wasn't about to argue that she got back over two weeks early. Besides, these things were always sped up in these kinds of stories. Asfaloth splashed easily through the water, and Emily was still managing not to fall over.

"Fuck, I don't know what to say now," Emily said. Then she remembered how messed-up Sindarin had been as of late (she had been led to believe that it at least used to be normal.) Taking a deep breath, she let out a long string of gibberish. Apparently that was enough, as the water swelled, and swept away the wraiths.

"You guys could use a bath, anyways," she said. "So what now?"


	8. Chapter Six

**One Mixed Up Mary-Sue**

Chapter 6

-

When she had finally been discovered walking around in a daze and carrying Frodo's unconscious body, Emily had been ready to collapse. She had been raised in a suburb and had a part time job as a telemarketer; strenuous physical exertion for this long a time was not a normal activity for Emily.

Elrond had quickly taken Frodo from her and ran off to wherever it was that he planned to save him. He muttered something about Asprin before leaving. Elladan and Elrohir were in shock that she was back so soon. They were debating weather it was her or the entire world that was messed up as they left to tend to Asfaloth. Emily had left the horse somewhere, she wasn't exactly sure on his wherabouts.

Of course, a little peace and quiet was _always_ too much to ask for when in Rivendell, or at least this messed-up version. It hadn't been ten minutes since she'd been discover that Legolas ran up behind her and hugged her.

"Get away from me, Legolas!" Emily yelled. She had no patience and was in pain.

"I have to show this to you." Legolas unfolded a few pieces of paper with something scribbled on it. She didn't really care enough about it to read them.

"Paper…" she said. "Good job, I'm so proud. So what, did you invent it or something?"

"No," he said, smiling. "It's a list of baby names."

"What the hell?" Emily asked. "What children?"

"Earlier you said that we would talk about children later. But I understand. You are right. We should wait until after the quest is over. I was not thinking properly." With that parting remark he turned and left Emily thoroughly freaked out.

"Whatever, I'm going to bed." Emily asked the first elf that she found to help her. He was very kind, he led her straight to her room, but he was odd, he didn't say a thing to her on the way there. She immediately collapsed into bed, and didn't wake up for quite a few hours, when she heard someone calling her name.

"What the heck?" Emily asked, sitting up. She followed the voice to the balcony. Her fears were confirmed when she looked down and saw Legolas standing on the ground below. "What do you want now?"

"I wrote you a song!" Legolas said, grinning. He blew a note on a pitch pipe and hummed it back. Al least he had a good ear, she had to give him that. He cleared his throat and then began to sing. "Roses are red, violets are blue, da da da da, I love you!"

"Uh… that was… interesting." Emily wondered if he would wait a few moments for her to sneak down to the kitchen and grab some tomatoes.

"Wait, there's more!" Legolas took a deep breath, and Emily had a sudden bad feeling. "Basedj ebw jefkd creinte kloments."

"Okay…" Emily was confused.

"Did you like it?" Legolas asked, eagerly awaiting her response.

"Just a second!" Emily said, running off of the balcony, through the room and out into the hall. She grabbed the arm of an unsuspecting elf and dragged him into the room.

"What ridiculous antics are you planning _now_? Was attacking me not enough for you?" Of course, of all the elves prancing around, it had to be the one that hated her (and with good reason.)

"Hi," Emily said weakly. "I need your help for a second. Legolas is singing and you get to tell me what the heck he's saying."

"I would be happy to… if you can tell me why I would want to help you."

"How about because your boss thinks he's my dad?" Emily smiled sweetly.

Erestor didn't say anything, but he didn't leave, which Emily took as a good sign.

"Legolas can you sing it again?" she asked, walking back onto the balcony.

"I would do anything for you, Emily," he said. "Basedj ebw jefkd creinte kloments."

"Well, what did he say?" Emily asked, turning to a very annoyed Erestor.

"I have no idea whatsoever. It was not in any language that _I_ have ever heard."

"Emily?" Legolas called. "Is someone up there? Are you cheating on me? How silly, I know you wouldn't, we are too in love for that."

"Actually Legolas," Emily said, grinning. "I am cheating on you… with Joe."

Erestor stood there in shock. He was debating yelling at this idiotic girl or saving his time and breath, and just leaving.

"Say hi to Legolas, Joe," she said loud enough for Legolas to hear before turning to Erestor. "Please… help me." Emily grabbed his arm before he could leave.

"Joe?" Legolas squeaked.

"Please?" Emily asked, and Erestor actually found himself feeling pity for her.

"Hello, Legolas." Erestor said, glaring at her. Emily smiled and pulled him out onto the balcony and into Legolas' view.

"H- how could you, Emily?" Legolas sobbed. "I thought that we had something special!"

"I'm sorry, Legolas, you're just too much of a pansy for me," Emily said, shrugging.

"I'm not a pansy!"

"You cried when I got dirt on you!"

"It's _dirt_!" Legolas protested. "It's messy and makes me less handomse!"

Emily grabbed one of the flowers that was planted in a window box on the balcony and shook it in Erestor's general direction. Erestor glared at her as he became speckled with dirt, but did nothing else.

"I see, then… Joe, I challenge you for the hand of Lady Emily!" Legolas shouted, pointing at Erestor. He threw a rock at Erestor, which the elf easily stepped out of the path of. Emily darted inside, and Erestor quickly followed, when Legolas started firing arrows.

"First _you_ attack me, and now you've got _him_ doing the same!" Erestor shouted, pointing to the closed doors that led to the balcony.

"It's not my fault!"

"Fine, would you care to explain to me how this is not your fault?"

"I… uh… never mind, it's totally and completely my fault." Emily could find no reasonable excuse.

"That's what I thought," Erestor said.

"Would you kill Legolas for me, though?"

"Why would I do _that_?"

"Because I don't like him, you don't like him and he hates you."

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Please?"

"No!"

"Please, please, please, please, pl-"

Just then, Legolas burst into the room, knocking the door open. "Lady Emily, I am here to rescue you!" Legolas declared. He pointed at Erestor. "I am sure you are with him against your will. Has he touched you?"

Both Emily and Erestor stood in silent shock. Legolas fidgeted.

"Is anyone going to answer me?"

"No, Legolas, he hasn't done anything horrible," Emily said, crossing her arms.

"Then why are you with him?" Legolas looked desperate, and it was desperate people that did the crazy things. Emily wished that she was somewhere else right now.

"Actually, Legolas," Emily walked over to him so that she could whisper for dramatic effect. "It's just that I don't love you. He's much more interesting, smart, and well, I just plain like him better."

Legolas collapsed into tears and ran from the room. Emily held her stomach, laughing.

"I can not believe what you just said!" Erestor yelled at her.

"Why?" Emily asked. "What did I say wrong?"

"I do not like you," Erestor said. "I do not enjoy your company, and I do not want to be involved in this drama that you have created here."

"I'll just tell Elrond that Legolas is crazy. He'll believe me, he's my dad… apparently."

"I would hope so…"


	9. Chapter Seven

**One Mixed Up Mary-Sue**

_Chapter Seven_

-

"Lord Elrond," Legolas said once he was finally able to find the Lord of Imladris. "I must speak with you… _now_."

Elrond was sitting in his study, drinking tea. When Legolas entered the room, he put down his teacup and offered the younger elf a seat. "What is it, Legolas?"

"It is about Emily." His voice seemed considerably cooler than it had been of late, and he seemed uneasy.

"What about her?" Elrond asked, smiling. "Are the wedding plans done? Or is it about the baby names you mentioned earlier? I personally think Elrond would be a very nice name."

"What of her? What of her? I cannot stand to be around her for a moment longer. She is rude, obnoxious, loud-"

"Well, then you're not trying to get her to like you badly enough." Elrond cut him off, a deep frown set on his face.

"I am doing everything that you have asked of me! But, I do _not_ believe that this isthe way to save Middle-earth."

"Of course it is!" Elrond boomed, clenching a fist. "Far-fetched prophecies about an unknowing girl becoming our savior are always true, Legolas. You are too young to understand."

"Even if that were so," Legolas said, "she will not love me. She told me earlier today that she is in live with Erestor!"

That comment was followed by a long, uncomfortable silence. Elrond shifted in his chair, and finally cleared his throat. "Legolas?" he started, glaring at the elf in question.

"Yes?"

"Who is Erestor?"

"Erestor is the one who you have recently named Joe." Legolas frowned; this was becoming ridiculous.

"What?"

"The girl who you claim is destined to love me, has found someone else. In fact, she does not even like me, and the feeling _is _mutual."

"This cannot be…" Elrond said. Eventually he stood up from his chair and started pacing back and forth in the room. "Well, I know how stubborn she is. We must dispose of Joe; she will never give him up." He marched out of the room, clearly on a warpath.

After a brief debate with his conscience, Legolas decided that the most decent path of action was to warn the pair. He took off out of the room, hopefully at a quicker pace than Elrond.

-

Emily sighed, trying to figure out what to do. Apparently, gossip spread quickly in Rivendell. It seems someone had overheard the odd conversation between Legolas, Erestor and herself earlier that evening.

"Hey, aren't you supposed to have dark hair?" Emily asked out of the blue. Erestor glared at her in return. He had been doing a lot of that recently. "Come on, tell me what happened." She pulled on a handful of his hair, but dropped it quickly. "You bleached you hair?"

"No, Lord Elrond did. He decided that all elves should have light hair. He used some concoction to do this to everyone."

"Emily, Erestor!" Legolas yelled as he pushed open the door and barged into the room.

"What now?" Emily asked, glaring at him. "Can't you take a hint? Or how about flat-out refusal?"

"Let me straighten something out. I never liked you; I would even say I quite dislike you. Lord Elrond told me earlier that the evil in Middle-earth would only be destroyed should we fall in love. He told me to act like that. _I_ personally believe that you are one of the most annoying people I have ever met. That's why I left you in that hole earlier."

"Oh, gee, thanks _so_ much, Legolas. It's good to know that I'm so popular around here."

"Be quiet," Erestor said.

"You be quiet," Emily snapped back.

"May I continue?" Legolas asked. He waited until Emily nodded. "I give up on this insanity. You are stubborn, un-likeable, and apparently now in love with this fool, who has not yet had the chance to discover for himself how annoying you truly are."

"We are not in love!" Erestor yelled, jumping up and pointing at Emily. "See what you have done?" He looked quite angry. Emily was actually quite scared of him at this point and chose to pass the blame.

"What _I've _done? I would never have said it if _he_ wasn't being such and idiot!" She pointed at Legolas.

"I know that the two of you enjoy these pointless arguments, but I must break this one up," Legolas said. "Elrond is angry, and he is looking for you, Erestor."

"Sucker," Emily said, grinning.

"Me? Why?" Erestor asked, plainly confused.

"Why? He thinks that you two… well…"

"You _told_ him?" Emily yelled.

"What would you have done in my position?" Legolas defended himself.

"Anything but that!" Emily yelled. "Ouch!" She flinched-- she'd been absentmindedly picking at her cut.

"What are you doing?" Erestor asked, raising an eyebrow at her. He waited a moment for an answer. "Emily, what have you done to your face?"

"It got scratched on a branch. I'm trying to either infect it or turn it into a huge, unsightly scar."

"Why?" Both elves asked.

"That was… well co-ordinated… I want a scar, a large and unattractive scar. That way I'll get left alone."

"Emily!" an angry voice came from outside the door.

"Is that…?" Emily started.

"Elrond." Erestor said.

"You have to hide somewhere!" Emily said, quickly looking over the room. Her eyes landed on the large wardrobe. "In there! It used to be full of dresses; I have no idea where they are now. None fit, so-"

Erestor smiled, stifling a small laugh.

"Do you think that's funny?" Emily asked, hitting him on the back of the head. "Then die by all means. I have no problem with making up some story about what a horrible, perverted, abusive sex fiend you are. And you know Elrond will believe me."

"Emily, even you would not do that!"

"Oh, I would."

"Both of you; _be quiet_!" Legolas said.

"Emily, are you in here?" Elrond asked, knocking on the door.

"Yeah," she called back, "just a second!" She shoved Erestor into the fancy wardrobe and slammed the door shut. A muffled "ouch" came from the inside of the wardrobe.

"Emily, this is urgent! Open this door right now!" Elrond shouted.

"Sorry," Emily whispered to Erestor.

"Emily, I am coming in right now!" The door swung open just as Legolas grabbed Emily and pulled her towards him. "Emily, Legolas has inform-"

"April fools, daddy!" Emily yelled as loud as she could. Her face was plastered with a smile that some might interpret as sweet and innocent. Smart people would interpret it as a guilty cover-up smile. Luckily, Elrond was in a rather dumb mood.

"But it is not April," Elrond said eventually.

"I know, but my adoptive parents were so cruel that they never let me celebrate it. So now that I'm here, I can!" Emily said, pretending to cry. She started shaking and grabbed Legolas' sleeve, pretending to wipe her eyes with it. Legolas reluctantly patted her on the back, trying not to make a disgusted face at the girl who was currently attached to his arm.

"You are here now, everything is fine, child." Elrond said. Emily nodded, wiping her eyes again.

"Thank you," she said. "I'm fine now."

"I must go and prepare for dinner." Elrond said, leaving the room.

Once he was gone, Legolas pulled his arm back and gave Emily a dirty look. Emily went over and shut the door, then started laughing. Legolas looked all but amused with the situation.

"What did I tell you?"

"Actually," Legolas said, "you told me nothing."

"Well I was thinking it." Emily said, crossing her arms.

"Is someone going to let me out of here?" Erestor asked, banging on the inside of the wardrobe.

"Depends," Emily said, sitting down on the floor. "What's in it for me?"

"Get me out now!"

"You don't need to get all cranky, Joey-poo-poo." Emily pulled open the door and Erestor quickly emerged, coughing.

"What's wrong?" Emily asked once she'd finished giggling.

"There are mothballs in there, that is what is wrong." Erestor said.

"You guys have mothballs?" Emily would have raised an eyebrow, if she could.

"Ever since Elrond went mad," Erestor said, "we have been receiving new devices and other things almost daily."

"This place just gets more and more interesting every day." Emily said, shaking her head.


	10. Chapter Eight

**One Mixed Up Mary-Sue**

_Chapter Eight: Rivendell General Hospital_

-

Emily looked down at the plate in front of her. This place had a way of making her lose her appetite. She sighed and looked up, then dropped her fork onto her plate. "Oh my God…" Emily said as two very, very unhappy looking blondes walked into the room. They both glared at her and sat down silently.

"Whatever you have done, it was a bad idea," Erestor said. "You do not want those two mad at you."

"I didn't do anything," Emily replied. "It's not my fault. Besides, I kicked your ass and you're not mad at me."

"You did not," Erestor said. "And I do not need to be mad at you to dislike you."

And at that, the room regained its previous uneasy silence. Every so often, someone coughing after getting a particularly awful tasting mouthful of Lindir's food would interrupt the quiet atmosphere. Emily surveyed the solemnly quiet table once more, picking at the scratch on her face. Elrond was quick to notice this.

"What in God's name are you doing?" He demanded.

"Uh… nothing," Emily replied, putting her hands in her lap.

"Look at your face! It will be scarred! We cannot have this!" He quickly marched over to her, grabbed her arm then pulled her out of her chair and out of the room.

"What are you doing, you crazed lunatic?" Emily demanded as he continued to lead her down the hall.

"You need medicine!" Elrond said.

"Medicine?"

"Yes, medicine!"

"For my face?"

"Yes!"

"You know, we seem to get into conversations like this a lot." Emily muttered as he lead her into another room. The blue walls seemed to shimmer... imagine a wall painted with glitter glue. He sat her down on a bed, picked up a jar of something and started putting it on her face with what looked like a paintbrush. Well, at least it served the purpose, kind of.

"Hey, it's Frank!" Emily said, pulling away from Elrond, and then running over and jumping on Glorfindel's bed. Sadly, he was trying to sleep, and being woken up by something resembling a goop monster with a paintbrush stuck to its face is _not_ a very pleasant experience. Needless to say, he yelled and Emily laughed.

"I must go- I am needed elsewhere." Elrond turned and left the sparkly blue room. Yes, it seems everything in Imladris is sparkly nowadays.

"What is going on? Should I be this confused?" Glorfindel asked, looking from the girl sitting beside him, to Elrond's retreating back.

"Of course, dearie," Emily said, patting Glorfindel on the head. "Oh, sorry, head thing. How is the old shovel wound? I'm Emily by the way, can't remember if I told you before."

"The wound is perfectly fine, but Lord Elrond insists that I remain here for now." Glorfindel shrugged. "He believes that I was very gravely injured. For now, I am appreciating the time to relax."

"Alright, then," Emily said, pulling the paintbrush off of her face. "Later, Frank," she said as she turned to leave.

"Out of the way, Emily!" Erestor said, helping a very sick looking Legolas walk. Legolas had an arm around the brunette-gone-blonde's shoulders and his face was a lovely shade of green. He was leaning on Erestor, and looked like he was having trouble keeping his balance.

"What happened to him? I thought elves don't get sick, or something crazy like that."

"He had seconds," Erestor said, rolling his eyes at the elven prince's stupidity. Emily had to concentrate in order to keep a straight face- Legolas was normal now, not evil and weird and she shouldn't laugh at him.

"Legolas, you are such an idiot," Emily said, shaking her head. Hey, at least she didn't laugh. "Get well soon, anyways," she added for good measure.

Legolas mumbled something incoherent before being dragged further off by Erestor. The mumbling actually reminded Emily of Frodo, so she decided to go see how the guy was doing, having nothing better to do.

The room was simple enough to find; mostly because it was labelled with a sign that read: "Frodo's room." Emily pushed the door open and stepped inside. Frodo was asleep... boring. Emily left to wander down the hallways. She was keeping herself rather amused when she was hit by a wave of nausea. "Shit, I don't feel too good. I hope it wasn't the food. Don't want to end up like Legolas did," she muttered to herself. Eventually the unpleasant feeling passed, so she continued to wander.

"Emily!" Elrond said, walking up behind her. "Where is Legolas? He needs medicine! I have Pepto Bismol!" He held up a pink bottle, which emitted a strange, glowing light.

"Uh… Joe just took him off somewhere."

"I must go off and help him; it is bad luck to let future family members die."

"Okay, first off, I am not your daughter! Secondly, I don't like Legolas and he doesn't like me!"

"Emily, you will soon get used to life here and it will not be so upsetting. But for now, I must go help Legolas."

"Right, as for me, I can't take any more of this; I'm going to bed." Emily turned and headed for bed, the past week had just been too much to take in.


	11. Chapter Nine

**One Mixed Up Mary-Sue**

Chapter Nine

-

"I hate it here," Emily complained to herself as she walked down another winding, sparkling, white hallway.

"It's not usually like this, you know. Rivendell has only been this bad since _you_ arrived." Emily jumped; elves around here had the nasty habit of sneaking up on you. Whether or not they were doing it intentionally she wasn't sure.

"What are you doing?" Emily asked. She turned around and gave Erestor her best glare. "You know, when people talk to themselves, it's generally polite _not_ to listen in."

Erestor rolled his eyes.

"Aww, thanks, you're my best friend!" Emily said, smiling fakely.

"When exactly did we become friends?" Erestor asked, folding his arms over his chest.

"Seeing as we're the only sane ones here," Emily replied, shrugging. "Who else is worth talking to?"

"This does not mean that I think that you are not exceedingly annoying."

"Well, that doesn't mean that I don't think you're uptight and mean," Emily shot back.

"Fine," Erestor shrugged.

"You're the best," Emily said smiling. She paused and looked around for a moment. "I'm not tired, but I am hungry, let's go."

"Where?" Erestor asked. "It is well past a decent hour to eat."

"Duh," Emily said. "We're going to the kitchen to get some food."

"And how do we do _that_?"

"We steal it, duh."

"And how exactly are you planning on stealing this food?"

"I don't know. You're the one that knows where things are around here, and I'm hungry."

"Well so am I," Erestor had to admit, dinner that evening had been rather unappetizing, and his plate had remained mostly untouched. "But I am not sneaking around and stealing from the kitchen, am I?"

"Well, you're lazy then. I, on the other hand, am on a mission. Now let's go." Emily grabbed his wrist and pulled him along behind her, humming the theme to the Mission Impossible movies.

"Okay, which way are we going, Joey-boy?"

"Excuse me?"

"The kitchen, where is it?"

Erestor rolled his eyes and pulled his arm from her grip. "Fine, be quiet and follow me."

"Uh… no!"

"I thought you wanted to go to the kitchen," Erestor started.

"Yeah, but _I'm_ the leader!"

"Why?"

"Because _I_ know the song, it's a very cool song."

"Fine, just stop about the song."

And so it was decided that Emily would lead in an all-too energetic way, now humming music from various movies and television series. Erestor walked behind, throwing in an unenthusiastic direction every so often. Like when you're in the car. He would be the passenger with the map.

"Dun dun… dun dun…" Emily had now moved on to the Jaws theme.

"Be quiet," Erestor said. He pushed open a door to reveal the only one inside the kitchen was Lindir, who looked like he was about to have a nervous breakdown as he tried to find something. Cupboards were thrown open and various goods were in piles on the floor. Emily started grabbing things that looked appetizing and handing them to Erestor.

"What're you doing?" Emily eventually asked Lindir, who now looked on the verge of insanity.

"Trying to cook without making anyone else sick," he replied. "And find something called... oregano."

"Makes sense," Emily said. "So don't mind us." She resumed picking through the kitchen's contents.

"What exactly are _you_ doing?" Lindir asked Emily, who has just handed Erestor a box she'd picked up.

"Robbing you," Erestor answered for her. "This was entirely her scheme."

"I was hungry!" Emily protested, hoping to defend herself.

"She has a very one-track mind," added Erestor.

"I see…" Lindir nodded. "Enjoy yourself. Maybe if there's nothing left here, I won't have to cook; I can not even stomach my own cooking. I am not a chef, nor have I ever been one. I do not know what has overcome Lord Elrond."

"Oh, I see a box of crackers," Emily chimed, not completely oblivious to Lindir's distress, but rather trying to ignore it. She was now sitting on the ground so that she could reach further into the lower cupboards. After almost emptying it out (there hadn't been too much left after Lindir's raid) she stood up and dusted herself off.

"Are you satisfied?" Erestor asked, looking at the brightly-coloured box of crackers that Emily had handed him. "In the morning, everyone will think that some wild animal was loose in here."

"I guess so," Emily mumbled. "Wait, what's in here?" Frowning in puzzlement, she pulled open a heavy door to reveal a set of stairs. Cold air hit her face as she stared down.

"Have you not seen a cellar before?" Erestor asked.

"Of course I have," Emily said, pushing the fruits that she was holding into his hands. Once she had rid herself of those, she started down the steps.

"Emily," Lindir shouted down to her. "Come right back up if you find any oregano down there!" After a few moments of silence, Erestor and Lindir exchanged an uneasy glance.

"Could we just leave her?" Erestor asked. "What trouble could she get into in a cellar?"

"What if she fell?" Lindir asked, worry clearly on his face. "Lord Elrond will blame _us_!"

"Erestor, Lindir!" Emily shouted up from the cellar. "Come down here!"

"If she has done something stupid, I swear I will hurt her," Erestor muttered, stalking down the stairs. Lindir paused to light a candle, and then followed after Erestor. When he saw what was going on, he found he was feeling mixed emotions; relief that the girl was okay, and anger that she had scared them for nothing. The anger was already taken care of, though, as Erestor was giving her a rather stern talk.

"We thought that you had fallen or been hurt!" He shouted.

"You aren't my parent," Emily said. "Also, I never even said that I was hurt, I just wanted you guys to come down here."

"And why is that?" Lindir asked, moving closer to the arguing duo, so that all three of them were in the small circle of light given off by the candle. He frowned. "What are you holding behind your back?"

"Oh, just the means by which to drown your sorrows at being a shitty cook," Emily said quickly, grinning all the while. "Which is, naturally, alcohol."

Erestor snatched the bottle from her. "Who do you think you are walking into here and stealing?" He quipped. "This is not free for anyone to take and use as they will. This is one of the finest wines in this cellar." He frowned and moved to put the bottle back.

"And I keep getting told that I'm one of the greatest guests here, so I guess it all works out well." Emily stood her ground. "I will sleep in this cellar if I have to, I'm not leaving sober. Anyways, it's more for Lindir than me..."

"Let her have her drink, Erestor," Lindir said, smiling. "It has been a long day."

Before Erestor could continue to argue, voices came from upstairs. They were in the kitchen, and by their tone clearly appalled at the mess. Emily couldn't make out the words, but they seemed to be getting closer. Lindir moved to a back corner of the cellar so that the candle's light would not be seen. Then, to the dismay of all three, the sound of a door swinging shut reached their ears. That was followed by the sound of a bolt sliding into place.

Erestor stood in shock for a long moment before he opened the bottle in his hand and took a long drink.

-

This is deffinately my favourite chapter! It was so much fun!


	12. Chapter Ten

**One Mixed Up Mary-Sue**

Chapter Ten

-

"Well, I must admit, if your intent was to have the entire house in an uproar, you three succeeded flawlessly." Glorfindel smiled somewhat smugly, looking down at the trio asleep in the cellars of Imladris. They were sitting, leaning against a wall and each other. On the right was Erestor, one of the last people that Glorfindel had expected to find in cahoots with the odd human who was living here temporarily. In the centre sat Lindir. He was a musician, and such antics had almost come to be expected of him and the other elves who made a living entertaining.

Finally, on the left, was the girl who had come to be known as Emily. In the short week or so that she had been here, she had set most people against her, how she had won over Lindir and Erestor was anybody's guess. Glorfindel smiled- he guessed that the wine had something to do with it.

In front of them was an empty bottle that had originally contained one of Imladris' finer wines. Secretly, Glorfindel was upset that he hadn't gotten the chance to try it.

"What's going on?" Emily asked, rubbing sleep from her eyes. She squinted up at Glorfindel.

"Well, it seems that late in the night you three went missing. For nearly an hour we have been looking high and low trying to find you." He smiled. "Oh, Emily, Legolas wishes for you to join him for a picnic." He turned and walked up the stairs.

"Yeah," Emily muttered, "he's just jealous that he wasn't invited." She rubbed her eyes and slowly got to her feet. Despite all her efforts, as she stood, she tripped over Lindir and fell right back on the ground. Sighing, she once more tried to get to her feet, all the while thinking that this was going to be a very long day.

"Enjoy your time with Legolas," Erestor said.

"Aren't you worried that you'll get in shit for this?" Emily asked. Elrond hadn't taken too well to them spending time together before, and this was much more sketchy than anything else that had happened.

"The door was locked," he said, shrugging. "How can I be blamed for that?" He paused for a moment. "But to be safe, you should go up first."

"Why? So I can get blamed for everything," Emily asked.

"You _were_ the one who get us into this mess," Lindir pointed out. "You wanted to come down here."

"Oh, be quiet, I'm going." Emily stalked over to the stairs and slowly climbed up to the kitchen. She frowned; the room smelt like eggs and looked even worse. A few elves were trying to clean it up, and cook at the same time. After a moment, she noticed a wicker basket sitting on a table. On top was a note.

_Emily:   
Please meet me outside for a romantic picnic.  
Love,  
Legolas._

"Is he serious?" Emily asked, rolling her eyes. "But I would hate to waste this food..." Grabbing the basket, she took off back down the stairs, slamming the door behind her. Once she'd gotten down into the cellar, she dropped the basket on the floor.

"What is this?" Ersetor asked.

"This is lunch," Emily replied, smiling. She opened up the basket and took out a sandwich. It was peanut butter and jelly. She decided not to ask, she just handed them out to the confused elves. Lindir frowned, puzzled briefly, before taking a bite out of the sandwich. He smiled and continued eating.

His enjoyment of the lunch seemed to have little sway on Erestor's evident distaste for the odd sandwiches. Clearly unhappy, Erestor sighed and, grudgingly took a bite of the sandwhich.

"Admit it," Emily said, grinning, "You _like_ it." She took a bite of her own lunch. She had forgotten how good this classic was, it had been ages.

"I do not!" Erestor protested once he'd swallowed the offensive brown paste. It was very good, but the texture was rather unpleasant, it stuck to the roof of his mouth. "I need something to drink with this," he said, looking around.

"Here," Emily said. She handed him a grape-flavoured juice box from inside the basket, and then passed one to Lindir. Just then, the door swung open, and Glorfindel marched down the stairs.

"I cannot stand his whining one minute longer," he seethed. "Ever since he was given that repulsive medicine, Legolas has returned to running about complaining and pining away."

"What?" Emily asked. "It does explain the picnic, I guess. Here, have a juice box."

"Thank you," Glorfindel said, taking the small carton. Emily tried to explain to him how to use the straw to open the box, but much to the amusement of the others present, Glorfindel could not master that particular trick. Soon, most of the juice had either leaked on his hand and arm or fallen on the ground.

Giggling, Emily handed him another juice. "So, what kind of medicine did Legolas get?"

"It was something both foul-smelling and looking. I believe it was called... Pepto something?"

Emily laughed, it was just too hard not to, and who could deny the slow creep of insanity. She knew that if she ever got out of here it would be straight to the psychiatrist's office.


	13. Chapter 11

**One Mixed Up Mary-Sue**

Chapter Eleven

-

Emily had nearly finished her "picnic" lunch when Elrond decided to ruin her fun. Just as she'd taken a bite of her second peanut butter and jelly sandwich, the angry elf had started pounding on the cellar door and hollering at her.

"Tell him I'm not here," Emily said, poking Erestor in the side.

"I will not _lie_ for you, Emily," he replied.

"Don't be such an ass! Come on, help me out here, buddy."

"No," Erestor said quickly.

"Emily! I can hear you two arguing! Come up here right now," Elrond hollered from the top of the staircase.

Glorfindel laughed so hard that Welch's grape juice came out of his nose. Lindir joined him in laughter, but managed to avoid the expulsion of food, and Erestor managed an amused smile. However, Glorfindel quickly excused himself to go wash up. Rolling her eyes, Emily followed him up the cellar steps. When Elrond came into view, she crossed her arms.

Elrond cleared his throat before beginning. "Emily, there is no easy way to say this... Well, you are unladylike and look un-presentable. Guests are coming over later and you must look pretty for our company."

"Okay... see, there's a bit of a problem with that. I don't fit into any of the dresses you gave me. Unfortunately, I guess that means that I'll have to skip the fancy dinner. It's really too bad, I was so looking forward to it."

"Do not fret, child," Elrond said, smiling. "I had Susan make you some clothes to wear."

"Damn it," Emily muttered, mentally trying to convince herself that it would be worse to be covered with grape juice.

O-

"You look oh so lovely, Lady Emily!" Susan said, adjusting one of the numerous bows on the intricate dress that Emily was wearing. Emily was quite annoyed, but at least she'd gotten to wash.

"I look horrible Susan," she said flatly. "You tried to curl my hair and it went frizzy, I look like a clown in so much makeup, and the dress seems very... excessive." She picked idly at one of the bows.

"You look lovely," Susan said. "Besides, it's low cut. Trust me, no one will be looking at your face or dress."

Emily frowned, it _was_ rather low cut. She crossed her arms again, trying to make the dress seem more modest, but it really didn't help. With no options coming to mind, Emily could do nothing but stall.

"Susan, I love it all, thank you for everything. Could I have some time alone to get used to it?" Emily smiled a fake smile and waved a polite goodbye to the elf. Once the door was shut, she set to work.

Being careful not to rip the dress itself, Emily removed as many of the decorative bows as she could using only a stitch ripper (Susan had forgotten to take her sewing kit with her.) Afterwards, she untied the bows, so that she had long pieces of ribbon, and used those to close the deep "V" neckline of her dress. Overall, the final product looked like nothing special. It was a simple blue dress with some ribbon on the front.

Someone knocked on the door, and Emily took one last look at the dress. Susan would be upset that she had changed it, but such was life. When Emily stepped into the hallway, she was surprised to see Legolas.

"You're more patient than usual," she observed. "Usually you're shouting and harassing me by now."

"Do you love me for it?"

"Nope," Emily replied.

"Oh," Legolas said shortly. "Let's go to dinner." And, once more, he was smiling.

Emily managed to tune out his pointless chatting as they walked towards their destination. She simply started concentrating on more interesting things, like the floor. As soon as they entered the dining hall, however, things got a bit more interesting. Two hobbits threw themselves at Emily, who fell (rather hard) on her rear.

As she struggled to get them to stop hugging her, Emily noticed a pair of dinner rolls fly by. Merry and Pippin jumped at the rolls, snatching them up and eating them in a matter of seconds. Getting to her feet, Emily noticed a smiling Erestor and nodded before sitting down next to Legolas (it was the only available space.)

"Please, silence!" Elrond said, standing. "I would like to introduce my daughter Emily, as well as propose a toast in her honour." He held his glass out, grinning like a bloody fool. Sinking down into her chair, Emily downed her wine, and flat-out refused to participate in the toast. Luckily the tension was quickly broken.

"Food fight!" Emily looked for the source of the shout, and jumped as Legolas was hit square in the face with a wad of mashed potatoes. As the fighting escaladed, Emily grinned, grabbed another bowl of potatoes, and prepared to dump it on Legolas. Unfortunately, it was at around that moment that Elrond grabbed the two offending hobbits, thus resolving the fight.

"Potatoes anyone?" asked Emily, smiling weakly. Elrond glared at her so she sat her ass down as quickly as she physically could.

"Are you okay?" Legolas asked. "Did they hurt you? How many fingers am I holding up? Please, speak to me!"

"Okay, this is ridiculous. Hello, esteemed guests, nice to meet you." Emily paused and rolled her eyes. "I'm sure you can tell that I don't want to be here... so I won't. Peace." Without thinking twice, Emily walked quickly out of the room.

Emily heard her name being called behind her, and turned to see Erestor walking towards her.

"Emily," he said, "I believe that you need to explain to me what is going on here."

"You wouldn't believe me," she said. "It's a pretty good sci-fi story... I'm from a different world."

"I _have_ been there, perhaps I will believe you." Erestor said, and then paused for a moment. "There are many things I would believe now that I would not have some weeks ago."

"Fine, but you're asking for it," Emily replied. As they walked, Emily chatted about her home, about school and work and cars and telephones. By the time she was finished, Erestor looked slightly sceptical, but he was smiling.

"Oh, I am supposed to inform you," Erestor said. "That tomorrow you will begin learning how to fight. For what purpose, I do not know, but that is the message."

"Sounds... interesting," Emily said. "Let's hope whoever gets stuck teaching me goes easy on me... Goodnight, Joe," Emily added with a grin.

Once she was inside her room she frowned; she knew why Elrond wanted her to learn to fight. This would not be fun. Maybe she could convince him to let her stay here, but she doubted it. Sighing, she pushed that worry from her mind and collapsed into bed.


	14. Angsty Legolas Songfic

**One Mixed Up Mary-Sue**

Oo

Disclaimer: I do not own the Lord of the Rings or the song 'Behind Blue Eyes' by The Who. Please do not kill me for cruelly massacring a perfectly amazing song.

Oo

Intermission 2: Angsty!Legolas Sings

Oo

_No one knows what it's like  
_Legolas was pacing back and forth in the room he had been given in Imladris. Emily was a very strange and confusing girl. He could not understand why she seemed to want to push herself away from him.

_  
To be the bad man  
_Did he do something to make her angry? Was there something horrible that he had done that he didn't realize?

_  
To be the sad man  
_It was all so confusing- why couldn't she just return his feelings?

_  
Behind blue eyes  
_Besides, he was damn hot… right?__

No one knows what it's like

Why couldn't she just understand how much he loved her?__

To be hated  
She almost seemed to resent him for something.

_  
To be fated _

But they had to end up together! Everyone knows that they made a perfect couple.__

To telling only lies 

They would be happy forever if only she would realize her feelings for him.__

But my dreams  
She did love him-

_  
They aren't as empty  
_she just hadn't realized it yet.

_  
As my conscience seems to be_

Legolas knew it deep down in his heart- they were perfect for each other.

I have hours, only lonely 

He had been so sad when se had to leave Middle-earth, but now she was back.__

My love is vengeance 

They could be together.__

That's never free 

For ever, and ever, and ever, and ever.__

No one knows what it's like  
Man; it was hard being this angsty.

_  
To feel these feelings  
_But it was all worth it for Emily.

_  
Like I do _

No one else loved her as much as he did.__

And I blame you

And he'd never cared for anyone as much as he cared for her.__

No one bites back as hard 

Her bitterness towards him was just because of her past.__

On their anger 

Just like his, it had been horrific and tragic.__

None of my pain and woe

But he would make it his personal mission to help her get through these hard times.__

Can show through 

To help her get on and live life to it's fullest.__

But my dreams 

With him.__

They aren't as empty  
That was what he would do, and nothing was going to change his mind.

_  
As my conscience seems to be_

Plus, it would be his good deed for the day.__

I have hours, only lonely 

She was probably already asleep; he would talk to her in the morning.__

My love is vengeance 

She would see how much he cared.__

That's never free

And they could live happily ever after- just like in Disney movies.__

When my fist clenches, crack it open

They would be so happy and perfect and-__

Before I use it and lose my cool 

But would Emily's bitterness ruin them?__

When I smile, tell me some bad news

Sure, he could try and help her.__

Before I laugh and act like a fool  
But would it really work?__

If I swallow anything evil 

She was always so angry…__

Put your finger down my throat   
Could it be that she really didn't like him?

_  
If I shiver, please give me a blanket_

Could she really hate him as much as she let on?__

Keep me warm, let me wear your coat  
Nah! He was Legolas, absolutely everyone loves Legolas!__

No one knows what it's like 

He would just have to win her over.__

To be the bad man 

Because she did love him.__

To be the sad man 

In fact she loved him very much.__

Behind blue eyes

She just didn't know it yet.

Oo

There you go, angsty!Legolas songfic. Cringe in terror!


	15. Chapter 12

**One Mixed Up Mary-Sue**

Chapter Twelve

-

"Leave me alone," Emily whined, covering her head with a pillow.

"We should," Elladan said, turning towards his brother.

"Legolas could always come to teach her," Elrohir added, smiling. "I have other things to do today."

Emily pulled the pillow off of her head. Sighing, she sat up and glared at the duo. "I didn't even want to do this is the first place, you know..."

Oo

"Today… was such… a living hell…" Emily said, pushing open the door to her room. She collapsed on her bed, exhausted and near sleep. All morning she'd been 'learning' archery (and failing miserably). All afternoon, Legolas had tried to start a conversation about their feelings. That, also, had failed miserably. But he had been especially persistent today, only accomplishing to further annoy Emily.

Emily wasn't sure how long she'd fallen asleep for, but the next thing she knew, she was being awoken quite violently. Susan was shaking her, all the time scolding her about falling asleep.

"Wha…?" Emily mumbled, opening her eyes.

"It's time for dinner," she said. As soon as Emily stood, Susan made her way over to the wardrobe and started fishing through dresses. She pulled out a peach-coloured monster and smiled. Emily sighed in defeat as Susan started on her hair.

Oo

Emily was feeling quite self-conscious as Susan practically pushed her into the dining room. Susan was chattering away madly about hair and males and clothing and all kinds of 'fun and interesting' things.

"Emily, it is good to see you again." Emily cringed. She'd been so happy when Susan had told her that Legolas was going to be late, that she'd forgotten about Aragorn.

"Don't touch me, don't come in my personal space and do not talk to me." She said flatly, sitting down for dinner.

"How did it go?" Erestor asked.

"Oh, great," she said sarcastically. She grabbed a roll and bit into it. "But this is good."

"What happened?" Lindir asked.

"She failed miserably," Elladan answered for her.

"It's true, I couldn't hit a thing. But I think I scared the shit out of someone, I swear it was an accident, though. Hey, at least it didn't hit them; it was close, but I didn't hit them."

"That is good to know," Glorfindel said, laughing.

"Oh yeah, all of you just laugh at me," Emily mumbled, finishing off the rest of her roll. And that is exactly what they did; it wasn't often that someone was almost shot at Rivendell. It also wasn't often that Emily was in as good a mood. She actually considered today a good day; she hadn't seen Legolas yet, Aragorn hadn't talked to her since she'd told him not to, and she had yet to be attacked by flying hobbits. So she hadn't done to well- okay, she'd done terrible- earlier today, but maybe that meant she would be sent home.

"May I please have everyone's attention?" Elrond yelled, standing. "Tomorrow there will be a… secret council! Everyone is invited. Thank you; that will be all."

"That has to be the stupidest thing I have ever heard…" Emily said. She shook her head in grief for the death of intelligent dialogue.

"Emily!"

"Damn it," she muttered, recognizing the voice of a certain annoying blonde. Legolas smiled and sat down beside her after threatening the guy sitting beside her. Emily slowly moved her chair away from him.

"You look very pretty today, Emily." Legolas said, playing with her hair. Emily yelled and jumped out of her seat.

"Stay the fuck away from me! I don't even know why I come down for dinner anymore, someone always finds some way to do something stupid and piss me off. Good job."

"See what you've done?" asked a very angry-looking Aragorn.

"Shit…" Emily said to herself, rolling her eyes.

"It was not my fault! She is only upset because _you_ are here!" Legolas protested.

"Oh, really?" And that was about all the Emily stayed for. So, twice in two days, she had left the room angry and wanting nothing more than to go to bed and wake up at home.

"Emily?"

"Leave me alone!" She yelled, quickening her pace.

"Young lady, that is no way to-"

"Well, that's fine because I am _not_ your daughter!" She pushed open the nearest door, stepped inside, and slammed it shut. "Damn it!" Of all places, she'd picked a closet. She opened the door slowly and glared at Elrond. "Fine, what do you want, now?"

Oo

"Emily," Elrond said. "You must know; the fate of Middle-earth is in your hands."

"Right," she replied, finishing off her cup of tea. "Why don't I believe that? Oh yeah! It's a load of bull! Look, you guys really do not need me here. I can't fight, and I'm in no way strong enough to go on a long, perilous journey."

"Oh Emily, that is why you would not be going alone. Legolas and Aragorn will be there. I think that they both like you."

"I don't want them to like me! I want them to leave me alone!"

"Don't be silly," Elrond scoffed.

"I'm not," Emily replied. "I'm trying to be as fucking serious as I can after being stuck in some crazy fantasy book!"

"Emily," Elrond said. "You are not trapped here. You must only stay until you have fulfilled your part in the fate of the world."

"Huh?" But he only kept on going.

"You have a very important part to play in all of our fates. You must help us all, and that is why you are going on the quest. You leave the day after tomorrow." And ending on that note, Elrond stood and left the room. Eventually Emily followed suit and trudged back to her own room.

"Damn it! Why the hell is thins happening?" She muttered to herself. "This is so stupid, there was never supposed to be an extra in the fellowship…"

"Hey, Emily!" Contemplating how horribly the plot would turn out if both Aragorn and Legolas were dead, Emily slowly turned around.

"What the hell do you two want?" She asked.

"Emily, who do you love more?"

"Emily! Make Legolas shut up!"

"You don't really like him, do you?"

"Tell him that you love me!"

"Tell _him_ that you aren't interested in him."

"Emily!"

"Emily!"

"Shut up both of you!" Emily yelled. "I don't like either of you, so just leave me the frick alone! Just stop following me, stop talking to me and stop trying to get me to like you; I don't now and I never will!"

Legolas looked on the verge of crying, Aragorn looked very angry. Suddenly, music started playing. Emily suddenly became even angrier.

"Don't you dare sing- either of you!" She yelled, pointing at them.

_I tried to be perfect_

_But nothing was worth it_

"Just stop it! Where the hell is the music coming from?" Emily demanded.

_I don't believe it makes me real_

_I thought it'd be easy_

_But no one-_

"Shut the frick up!" Emily yelled. "Whoever is playing that music is going to die!"

_Can't I at least finish the song?_

"No! And who the hell are you?"

_A random plot hole._

"There are talking plotholes?"

_You mean you've never noticed how every girl who comes to Middle-earth talks to herself? That's me!_

"Oh holy-"

_Language!_

'Since when are you my mother?' For the sake of appearing sane, Emily had decided that she'd keep the conversations in her head.

_I'm not- I'm you._

'I thought you were a plothole?'

_Right- err… it's an inconsistency in the plot. Don't worry you'll be seeing _a lot_ of them._

'Great…'

_It will be great! Now, tell me, who do you like?_

'What?'

_Aragorn or Legolas, who do you like? Or if not, maybe we could pair you up with someone else._

'I don't like either of them! And I in no way want to be paired up with anyone else. Just leave me alone.'

_Not until you save the world, Mary-Sue- I mean Emily._

The voice then went on to laugh, Emily continued to be angry and Legolas and Aragorn were trying to help Emily, who hadn't responded to them. Therefore, using all of their intelligence, wit and cunning, they had come to the conclusion that she must be dead or possessed.

"Emily, snap out of it!" Aragorn yelled, his hands had a firm grip on her shoulders and he was shaking her back and forth.

"Let go of me," she said, pushing his hands away.

"Emily, what happened?" Legolas asked, his voice calm, yet angry. "First you say you do not love me, and then you will not answer me! You are worrying me, Emily."

"Emily." The girl in question turned to see Erestor, looking quite impatient. "Your father wishes to see you."

"Why? I just came from talking to him."

_You should go, maybe it's important._

'Shut the hell up, voice.'

"He didn't tell me, just hurry."

"Fine, fine, I'm coming." She said, pushing Legolas away from her and following after Erestor. "Does Elrond really want to talk to me?"

"No, you just looked like you were about to kill one of them."

"Aw, thanks, you really saved my ass. I have no idea how much more I could have taken."

_He lied to you! He lied! What a meanie, mean liar!_

'Just shut up.'

_Meanie, meanie, meanie! Mean, mean, mean!_

"Shut the hell up!" She yelled out loud. Giving her a worried and confused glance, Erestor slowly backed away.

_See, he thinks you're crazy! He's a meanie! You should go see Legolas._

'I don't blame him; I think I am going crazy.'

_Oh no, when you're going insane, I'll let you know._

'Gee, thanks so much…'

"Emily, are you alright?"

"Oh yeah, just great…"


	16. Chapter 13

**One Mixed Up Mary-Sue**

Chapter 13

-

Emily yawned, sitting up in bed. That was weird- the sun hadn't come up yet and as far as she could tell, nothing had woken her up. She shrugged it off and walked over to the vanity table. Grabbing a hairbrush, she braced herself for the knots and tangles that were sure to come. Surprisingly, none came. But what she saw was even more of a surprise.

"Voice… what happened?' She asked weakly. Her hair had grown well past her waist, and had become a platinum blonde shade, and it had all happened overnight. Emily couldn't say anything, she could only stare at it in horror.

_You're a real Mary-Sue now, Emily!_

'What the hell?'

_Emily, didn't we already have the language conversation?_

"Well," Emily said, a grin on her face. "I don't think it's fair that I'm the only one who gets a makeover..."

-

"Is he asleep?" Emily asked quietly. She peered into the dark room, trying to see. About a half an hour ago she'd rounded up what friends she had around here. It seemed they were all more than keen to do something less-than-nice to the annoying Mirkwood prince.

"Yes, he is," Elrohir answered. "Here. You take this; it smells horrible."

"Thanks," she said, grinning and stirring the contents of the bowl. "You know, I've wanted to do this for so long."

"Do not wake him," Erestor warned.

"If you do, we're running and leaving _you_ to deal with him." Lindir said.

"It's nice to know I have such kind and supportive friends." She turned and walked, as quietly as she could, into the room. She smiled and looked down at the bowl of bleach in her hands. Elladan and Elrohir had managed to get some from Elrond earlier tonight. Apparently he had an abundance of it.

Grinning, Emily generously applied the bleach to our favourite stalker elf's eyebrows. It was actually quite surprising that he didn't wake up, but Emily just figured that it was because of her newfound Mary-Sue-ness. She backed out of the room, still grinning.

Glorfindel shook his head in disbelief. "And here we were all waiting to see what would happen when he woke up."

"Are you serious? That's horrible; you should all have more faith." She stirred the bleach again, her gaze falling on Erestor. "Hey, you know your roots are growing in, right?"

"There is no way that I would let you touch me. With or without that...concoction in your hands."

"It's just bleach, what can it do?" She asked innocently.

"It can do plenty."

"Whatever," she waved it off. "Any of you have a knife?"

Her question was answered by silence.

"Fine, I'm going to the kitchen, then." She turned and left.

"Should we go to make sure she does not kill herself?" Elladan asked quietly. "She has already proven how incompetent she is with anything sharp or dangerous."

"I have to agree. I am afraid that she will somehow manage to impale herself." Erestor added.

"Right then, to the kitchen." Elrohir said.

-

They walked in to find Emily sitting on the floor. She was hacking away at her hair with a knife, cursing every so often.

"Emily… you are bleeding." Erestor sat down beside her and took the knife from her hands. "Do you have _any_ idea how angry Elrond will be if we let you kill yourself."

"Oh, I know. But it's only a flesh wound. It's not really very deep. Besides, the face cut didn't work out very well, maybe this one will infect."

"Emily! You do _not_ want to get an infection." Elladan said. "Are you mad?"

_He's right… you want to be happy and healthy for the quest._

'Oh, you're back…'

_Emily, I was never gone._

'Damn it.'

Taking the knife back from Erestor, Emily continued on her hair. Most of the pieces she had cut fell an inch or two below her chin.

"Emily," Erestor said. "Just put down the knife…"

"Oh shut up," she said, rolling her eyes. "I'm not like a psycho killer or something."

"Emily, your hair looks horrible." Lindir said.

"Really?"

"Yes," Glorfindel answered.

"Great, mission accomplished, then." She grabbed the last of her hair and chopped it off. "There, now I look worse than ever."

"I agree wholeheartedly." Erestor said.

"Gee, thanks." She opened a cupboard. "I _know_ I saw food colouring here before. Now, where is it?" Eventually she found the box, and shut the cupboard.

"I vote… green. Isn't it 'in' this season?" She said, squeezing the bottle of green onto her hair. She held her head over a bucket. "Well, how does it look?" she asked once she'd finished. Food colouring dripped out of her hair and onto the dress she was wearing, but she didn't care. It's not like it was _hers_ or anything.

"Honestly?" Elrohir asked, raising an eyebrow. "Terrible. You look like someone became ill on your head."

"Awesome," Emily said, standing. She kicked the bucket into the corner of the room and put the knife with some other dirty dishes. "That's what I was going for. And hey, maybe I'll have a scar on my hand, too- hey, cookies!" She picked up the bag and pulled out a chocolate chip cookie with her clean hand.

"She's bleeding, and the only things she can think about are cookies." Erestor said disbelievingly.

"It's not deep or anything," she said after swallowing her cookie. "You know, being a Mary-Sue is cool. I can eat whatever the hell I want and still look mildly anorexic. I can be completely lazy and do nothing- life is good." She handed the bag to Erestor before leaving the room.

"See you guys later, I have to go make sure that Legolas' face didn't get burnt off by the bleach."

-

Emily blinked as the world started to fall out of focus. She was dead tired, and being able to fall asleep with her eyes open wasn't really helping the matter. But at least she had done something productive (in her mind.) Legolas now looked like a natural blonde. She sighed and left her room. Susan had, once more, found a ridiculously fancy dress for her to wear. Now, she didn't have anything against dresses, she just didn't wear them often because she didn't often have to do anything that required dressing up. But _these_ dresses were just ridiculous. Every inch was covered with bows, lace or both.

"Emily… Emily are you listening to me?" Legolas asked. He'd been talking about his feelings and other crap for the past little while. It went without saying that Emily wasn't listening.

"What? No, Legolas, I am _not_ listening to you."

"But… why not?" Emily watched in horror as his eyes filled with tears. He pouted, threatening to cry. His expression quickly turned to one of utmost seriousness.

"Emily, what happened to your hand? It's cut! You could get hurt, let me bandage it." He grabbed her hand and started poking at it.

"Let go," she snapped, pulling her hand away from him. "I'll be fine."

"No, Emily, you _must_ let me help. If you were to get seriously hurt because of this I would never forgive myself."

"You thick, hard headed, idiot. I barely cut myself. Look, it's not even deep, see?" And it was true; the knife had just gotten the side of her finger very shallowly.

"Emily…" he trailed off, a concerned expression on his face. "You did this to yourself?"

_Hah! Now he thinks you're a sad, depressed, angsty sue!_

'You're still here?'

_Of course!_

"Emily, look at me! Please, do not do things like this to yourself."

"Geez, it's not like I slit my wrists or anything."

"Do not even speak of such things!"

"Yeah… I'm leaving now…" she said.

"I will accompany you; the council thingy starts soon."

"Council thingy; what the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"You know; the council."

"Yes, I know what the council is. But 'council thingy'?"

"It matters not; let us now leave."

"Uh… okay…" Emily, still in shock to the sudden radical change in grammatical structure, followed Legolas to 'the council thingy'. Apparently they were late, as everyone was already seated, talking quietly amongst themselves. Elrond looked up as they arrived, looking none to pleased. Emily guessed it was because she'd lobbed off all of her shiny new hair, but it was only a guess. Oh, and the fact that it looked like puke would help, too.

"Good morning, everyone," she chimed as if nothing was wrong or out of place. The Mary-Sue voice could sound disgustingly sweet and lovable when it wanted to. She smiled and looked around, but Legolas promptly dragged her to sit down beside him.

"Come and sit down, Lady Emily." He said.

"Right, sitting," she said, trying not to make it visible how painful it was to sit next to him.

"Now that everyone is here, we shall begin." Elrond declared. "Frodo… Frodo, are you listening to me?"

Of course he wasn't. At the moment he and Boromir were engaged in quite the shouting match. It was really rather pathetic, as they called each other names that a ten-year-old would find juvenile. 'Poo-head' was a lovely example.

Eventually someone alerted Frodo to the fact that his attention was wanted. The hobbit looked around innocently before Elrond asked him about the ring. He gladly brought it to the centre of the circle, smiling broadly and skipping-- just like a ten-year-old.

"That's the ring," Elrond stated bluntly.

"It's evil," Gandalf added his two cents.

Those two comments were followed by a long moment of silence. Emily found herself, once more, falling asleep. But Legolas nudged her out of her semi-conscious state before she actually missed anything.

"I volunteer Emily!" Frodo said enthusiastically.

"I second that!" Aragorn said.

"No, _I_ second it. You can _third_ it." Legolas argued.

"I'm seconding it, freak!"

"Nuh-uh!"

Emily groaned in annoyance as the two started, yet another, yelling match. Then it hit her, she didn't even know what they were arguing over.

"What are you two seconding, now?" she asked.

"You don't know?" Aragorn asked, shocked. "Everyone thinks you should be the one to take the Ring to Mordor."

"Excuse me? There's no way I'm going. I volunteer Frodo." Hopefully he'd agree, and the canon would be that less mingled.

"That's good," said a dwarf with a 'Hello my name is… Random Bit Character' name tag. "An elf! Ha-ha!"

And thus was started a rather loud argument (yes, another). Of course, it will not all be written down as some comments (especially those made by a rather out-of-character man of Gondor) are much too rude to be written down- just hearing them would make a small child's ears bleed. Despite the yelling, shouting and occasional yelp of pain, the argument ended rather abruptly when Frodo stood.

"I will take it. But, only if Emily comes, too." Frodo declared. Emily debated if she could mortally wound herself if she 'accidentally' fell out of her chair and 'accidentally' hit her head on the ground.

"Well, I'm coming, then." Aragorn said.

"Hey! I'm not leaving you alone with Emily!" Legolas said. After a moment, and with the much unwanted help of Aragorn, they had managed to get Emily to go and stand with them, behind Frodo. Gimli came, mumbling something that Emily couldn't even hear. Then Boromir came.

"She should not be coming," he said.

"You know what? I agree- totally. Who's with me? Please… join the 'send Emily home' fund! Aw… come on, peop-" she was cut off when Merry and Pippin jumped at her, laughing madly.

"Yeah, you leave tomorrow." Elrond said. "The rest of you… go home or something."


	17. Chapter 14

**One Mixed Up Mary-Sue**

Oo

Chapter Fourteen

Oo

_Disclaimer: Okay guys, I got this one directly off the back of my spiffy Gollum bookmark! "_(c) MMIII New Line Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved. "The Lord of the Rings" and the names of the characters, items, places and events therein are trademarks of The Saul Zaentz Company d/b/a/ Tolkien Enterprises under license to New Line Productions, Inc._" Well, there you go… if you understood all of that, good for you, because I sure as hell didn't._

_**Anyone interested in beta reading this, please let me know.**_

Anyone who hasn't seen the movie Spaceballs- go see it- now. I was trying to think of an adjective, and once came to mind, and it reminded me of that movie. I swear you will piss yourself laughing (that actually depends on your bladder control and recent fluid intake). But just watch the darn thing, or an evil, stalker Legolas will come and bother you for the rest of your life. And he will look like his father did in The Hobbit (the animated movie), so none of you fangirlish people can say 'OMG Legolas is coming to my house!' because he will look like… something bad-looking—like The Swamp Thing! If you want to be stalked by **Mr. Creepy 'The Swamp Thing' Legolas**, then be my guest.

You know what? Pretzels are cool.

Another important thing! Microsoft Word was being a bitch about formatting, so I apologize if I got screwed up somewhere, but I think I fixed it all.

Oo

"Nice eyebrows," Emily commented to Legolas. He had insisted on accompanying her to dinner; though it was more of 'following her around and generally being annoying' than 'accompanying'.

"Why thank you. They just did this magically overnight."

"That's very… interesting." She had to turn away so that he wouldn't see the grin on her face.

"Emily I am so glad that you shall be coming with us."

"Well I'm not. And what the hell is up with leaving tomorrow? Maybe… I don't know… _in_ _two months_ would be better."

"We must leave with all haste," he said as they arrived. "We do not have the time to stay here any longer than needed."

"Whatever- this place is already screwed up enough." She sat down, noting the strange looks she was receiving.

"Emily you look very lovely today." Legolas said. "I forgot to mention it earlier today. Your hair matches your eyes. You eyes, green like-"

"Hold it right there… green? Last I checked they were purple."

_They change colour, silly! When your mood changes, your eyes change colours!_

'Holy crap.'

_No, they don't do that colour- it's icky._

'What? I don't want crap-coloured eyes!'

_Well then, that's good._

"Emily… Emily!"

"Yeah- what is it?" She asked, looking around.

"I wanted to comment on how lovely you looked tonight." Aragorn said. Emily groaned in annoyance and anger, and hit her head on the table.

"Legolas," Erestor commented offhandedly. "You look different…"

"Yes, he does, doesn't he?" agreed Glorfindel. "Definitely something new, though I can't seem to place what it is…"

"I have new eyebrows." He said, smiling like a toddler who'd just been given a large bag of candy. Emily couldn't handle it anymore; she started shaking with laughter. But since she had her head on the table and face hidden, it was (of course) mistaken for crying. Aragorn and Legolas both tried to console her, but ended up in another shouting match.

As everyone was distracted, Emily managed to grab some food and make a dash for the door. Of course, she thought she was clever, picking a time when no one was paying attention to her. She was wrong.

"Where are you going, Emily?" Stupid Elrond.

"Nowhere…" she managed to say at least semi-pleasantly. She sat back down and watched in mild amusement as Legolas got kicked.

"Maybe you should at least try and stop them…" Erestor commented.

"Nah," she said with a sweet tome to her voice. "Just look at how much fun they're having."

"I'm going to kill you, you freaking' loser!"

"I hate your guts!"

"Err… I'm afraid one of them is going to wind up dead."

"They'll be fine. They can't get hurt bad- we have to leave tomorrow."

"If I didn't know any better, thanks to your constant complaining, I'd say you were enjoying this."

"I hate you so much," she said, before standing and walking over to the fighting pair of idiots. "Break it up before I break it, assholes."

After a minute or so with no response, she grabbed Legolas by the hair and pulled him away from Aragorn.

_Emily! Don't do it, you'll hurt his pretty hair._

"This is so fucking pathetic! You guys are supposed to be friends and you're fighting like a pair of idiots! And you know what? You can stop fighting, okay. I hate both of you and you both piss the hell out of me, so just give it up!" She let go of Legolas' hair and marched back to the table, took her seat and shoved a spoonful of whatever the hell they were eating into her mouth.

There was a long moment of silence as Legolas and Aragorn dusted themselves off, all the while glaring at the other. They eventually sat down, still glaring at each other.

"We need to talk." That was the first time Emily had heard Arwen speak in quite a while. She was shocked to see determination set in the elf's face, as opposed to her usual brainless grin.

"Sure," she said, standing up and following Arwen from the room. Arwen lead her to another room and shut the door, then heaved a sigh of relief. "What's up?"

"I don't know-- I was hoping you would. Something is wrong here, everyone knows it." She said, surprising Emily. She'd expected another one of the bimbo, out-of-character Arwen comments.

"Except for all the insane ones, that is." Emily added.

"Right," Arwen said, nodding. "But what is it? I'm concerned; every day this seems to get even worse."

"I know," Emily said. "But before you were- well, you know."

"Acting strangely?"

"That works. Anyways, how'd you… stop?"

"I don't know…"

"Well, if you remember, let me know. I have a voice in my head and funny eyes."

_Not to mention ugly hair._

'_You_ can shut the hell up.'

_No respect._

"I will."

"Thanks, and I'm going to try and find out, too. I can't stand this."

"I noticed you've had a bit of… unwanted attention."

"I have, man, I have to leave with them tomorrow."

"Good luck," Arwen said.

"I'm going to need it. Oh, and for the record, Aragorn is pissing the hell out of me and I hate his guts."

"On one hand I'm relieved, but on the other I still pity you."

"Why thank you, I _do_ appreciate it. But I swear I will find some way to make him normal by the time this is all over." Emily tried to smile weakly. Because of her out-of-character-ness, it had never occurred to Emily how Arwen was feeling.

Wait- Arwen is a fictional character. They were _all_ fictional characters. There was no way that she was going to let a bunch of figments of one man's (however much he was of a literary genius) imagination get to her. But she _could_ do her best to get things back on track here. No one wants to pick up their copy of The Lord of the Rings and read about some girl from the twenty-first century. No one wants to read about some girl falling in love and prancing along with the Fellowship, turning the story into a piece of crap fairy-tale.

_You shouldn't think like that. _Everyone_ wants to read about your adventures. Don't worry, the book won't be ruined. It's called fan fiction. It's brilliant, you can make up all the stories you want._

'I know that, my roommate used to write it like a religion.'

_Yes, she was a nice girl. But she went on to better things. I heard she got a scholarship for her writing skills._

'She told me that she was dropping out.'

_Oh… well, then._

"Emily, are you alright?" Arwen asked, waving a hand in front of the girl's face. Emily blinked and shook her head.

"Yeah, I'm fine."

"You wouldn't answer me."

"Sorry, what was it?"

"Have you packed anything yet?"

"I don't really have much of anything worth packing." Emily said, shrugging.

"Emily," Arwen said. "You are going to _need_ some things. Extra clothing, in case yours get wet or torn. A weapon of some sort… can you use any?"

Emily laughed, shaking her head. "There's no way. I tried… and failed horribly. Just ask your brothers, they were there when I nearly hit someone."

"Why exactly are you going, then? Not to be rude, but you don't have any special talents, no one seems to know where you're from and you can't wield any sort of weapon."

"Yeah, you've about summed it up there. I have no idea why I have to go, and if it was up to me, I'd be back at home."

"Right, but for now, you should get ready. I've heard that in another one of his not-so-bright moments, father has decided to have you leave in the morning."

"Early?"

"At dawn-- I have no clue what he was thinking." Arwen shook her head.

"I'm sorry…"

"For what?" Arwen asked.

"For everything," Emily blurted out. "I show up here and things get all weird. Maybe when I leave, they will be better, but I don't know. I just hope that you know I in no way wanted this to happen, and was happy when it was impossible. It was just some hormone-driven fantasy cooked up by young teenagers that--"

"Emily? Where are you?"

"I have to go, here comes stalker elf." Emily mumbled. "It was nice to talk to another form of intelligent life around here."

"If he asks," Arwen said. "I'll say that I haven't seen you."

"Thanks." Emily grinned and left the room. She could hear Legolas looking around in the next room over. He was making quite a bit of noise, calling her name every few seconds. She shook her head in disgust and went off to her room. By now she'd finally memorized how to get there. She pushed open the door, and had she been able to, would have raised an eyebrow in question.

"Susan… what the bloody hell are you doing?" She asked, closing the door softly. Susan had gowns and baggage strewn all around the room. There was an array of what looked like some sort of makeup all over the table.

"I'm packing for you!" She replied happily.

"You don't think this is a bit much?" Emily gestured to the seventeen (she'd counted them) suitcases that looked ready to pop open.

"Oh no, there's still more to pack." Susan replied, neatly folding up one of the elaborate dresses.

"Out," she said simply, pointing to the door.

"What?"

"You heard me. Out—now." Emily pointed to the door, and watched as Susan left. "No more of this shit," she said to herself. "I'm in a make-believe world living the dreamt-up adventures of an insane kid." She started opening and emptying all of the suitcases that Susan had packed. It was all junk: more insanely elaborate dresses, shoes with heels that caused people to trip and break their ankles, and a ludicrous amount of personal apparel items. She rolled her eyes, holding up a tube of mascara.

"What the heck here can I actually use?" She asked herself, the answer being 'nothing'. Susan had packed junk, none of which would be useful. She sat down to sort through the junk, just in case there was something of use.

Of course, there was absolutely nothing.

Oo

Uh… oops! I wanted to post this over a week ago, but I was dead tired. In my tiredness, I finished writing and re-reading it… but kind of forgot to actually update… then I was gone for a week… whoops! I know it's a cruddy reason, but please forgive the long time it's taken!

Oo

**Review Responses**

CrazyTomboy: I'm glad that that you can now listen to The Who again without being plagued by the images of evil stalker Legolas (shudders)

Ogreatrandom: Thanks very much; and I hope you continue to enjoy this story.


	18. Chapter 15

**One Mixed Up Mary-Sue**

Oo

Disclaimer: I do not own The Lord of the Rings.

Oo

Chapter Fifteen

Oo

**Question for readers: Which member of the Fellowship would you most like to see in-character? Please note, as with almost all Mary-Sues, this is movie-verse.**

Just a quick note: I've noticed two words that often get mixed up: quiver and quarrel. Now, I wanted to mention this because both appear in this chapter. A quiver is a case that is used to keep arrows. A quarrel is somewhat like an arrow, though it is shorter and has a square head. They are used in crossbows. For anyone who already knew that, good job. For anyone who didn't, well, you've learned something new today.

Oo

Emily struggled to keep her eyes open. The sun wasn't up yet, but she was awake and dragging her sorry carcass out of bed. She walked over to the vanity table in the room and grabbed a hair tie. Maybe all of the crap Susan had found was coming in handy-- but she only needed one. Pulling her hair back, she secured it with the hair tie.

And that's when she first noticed it-- them. She trailed off on a rather long (and quite loud) string of curses.

_Emily calm down, no one likes a potty mouth!_

'You want me to calm down? What the hell, voice?'

"Emily, what's wrong?" Erestor asked, pushing open the door. Nothing looked wrong, and a confused expression quickly found its way to his face. "Is something the matter?"

"Look," she said quietly, pointing to an ear. "What the fuck is this?"

"An ear," he supplied.

"Very funny," she said. "In case you hadn't noticed, they were _not_ pointy when I got here! I have no idea how this happened, but it did."

"So you were yelling because?"

"I have too much pent up anger." She said, sitting down on the floor.

"And why would that be? Has it been that horrible here?" Erestor asked, sitting across from her on the floor.

"Yes! I've been stalked by two insane, raving lunatics. I've been told I have a new family. Oh, by the way, I'm leaving, most probably to my death, later today. Yeah, it's pretty bad."

"Where's your bag?"

"What bag?"

"You plan to bring absolutely nothing?"

"Um… I guess not."

"I'll go find you a bag, I can get-"

"Nah, I'll get Legolas and Aragorn to do it, I'm sure they would." As if they'd been listening for their names, the two were quickly fighting to be the first in the door. Aragorn promptly stepped on Legolas' foot, and was the 'victor' in their competition of sorts.

"What is it?" He asked.

"Can I help?" Legolas chimed in.

"That was creepy…" Emily said. Erestor nodded in agreement.

"We've been waiting outside your door since we woke up in case you wanted us." Legolas said, happy as ever.

"Uh… that's great. Now, you guys get to do something for me since I'm a lazy ass. I need a bag of stuff. You know… like… help me out here."

"Extra clothing would be good; you'll need something warm, a good pair of boots; which I doubt that you will be able to find." Erestor said.

"We can find boots!" Aragorn insisted.

"Yeah, we can find boots!" Legolas agreed.

"What are you going to do, steal them?" Erestor asked.

"That is exactly what we will do!" Legolas shouted. The two left the room in an angry mood, determined to find a pair of boots.

"Well, that is one way to get things done," Erestor said.

"I'm going outside; I want to test a theory." Emily said, standing. She pulled on her running shoes, stretched out her arms, and pushed open the door. It was cool in the hallways, and dark. The sun wasn't up yet, and it was difficult to see.

"Does this theory involve anything potentially harmful?" Erestor asked. "I've heard you're quite dangerous with any sharp objects."

"Hey!" She protested. "I totally missed that guy! If I'm right, I won't miss again."

"Should I be afraid for my life?"

"No, just mildly concerned."

Oo

"Emily, you're just going to end up hurting yourself… or me for that matter." Erestor said.

"I'll be fine," she said. "Anyways, it's not like I'm aiming near you." She tightened her grip on the bow that she held, and drew back as far as she could.

"Emily, you're going to hurt yourself like that," Erestor warned her.

"It's fine," she insisted. And with that, she released an arrow. And guess what? She _did_ hurt herself. She dropped the bow and turned over her left forearm, which had been scratched by the bowstring as it flew forward. The skin had ripped, nothing deep, but enough to hurt.

"Holy crap!" Emily shouted, holding her arm.

"I told you that you would hurt yourself," Erestor said.

"You could have warned me that this would happen!" She shouted, biting her lower lip and trying to look away from her arm. So _that_ was what the thing that Elladan had forced her to wear on her arm was for.

_Ha-hah. That's for getting angry with me._

'I hate you, Sue. Just leave me the hell alone.'

"But now you know, and you won't make the same mistake again." Erestor said, shrugging.

"I hate you so much sometimes."

"I know, you've said that many times."

"Hey, look!" She pointed with her undamaged (right) arm. Erestor turned to look at the point of interest. The arrow had landed neatly in the center of the target.

"How did you-- what-- explain."

"I'm a Mary-Sue; Mary-Sues can do anything. And anything includes being competent with a weapon."

"Apparently so," he said, shaking his head in disbelief. Two days before, she had been positively horrible; Elladan and Elrohir had made that perfectly clear. It was inevitable; this could only mean one thing. "The apocalypse must be coming."

"Very funny," Emily said sarcastically. "Now, I'm thinking I should do something with my arm… Besides hurting like a bitch, the blood's going to get all over me, and Legolas and Aragorn are going to have seizures."

"Have fun explaining it to Lord Elrond."

"You know what? I think I can take care of this on my own."

"Emily! Emily!"

"That was quick," she said, turning to face Legolas. Aragorn followed him, but they weren't alone. Elladan and Elrohir followed after them, clearly annoyed.

"I made up a bag for you, but _they_," Legolas gestured to the twins, "said it was bad and made me redo it." He pouted, and handed her the bag.

"I'm sure you wouldn't have appreciated the clothing he had, Eru knows how, found for you." Elladan (or was it Elrohir? Now that they wore different clothes, she couldn't tell them apart) said.

"I'm sure. What's in there now?" Emily asked.

"Not much," Elladan (was it Elladan?) said. "You can look through it later, you're late."

"We must leave with all haste!" Aragorn announced abruptly. He grabbed her wrist and pulled her along.

Oo

"Now get going, you freeloaders. I'm sick and tired of putting you all up here," Elrond said, waving them off.

"Well," Emily said, shifting the bag over her shoulder. "It was nice to meet you guys. And, though I greatly doubt it, maybe I'll see you again."

"Here, I found these in the kitchen. I have no idea how old they are, but they're all yours." Lindir said. He handed her a small package wrapped in cloth.

"Thanks," she said, taking the package from him.

"I don't have anything for you," Elrohir (she'd sorted it out earlier-- Elrohir was in red, and Elladan in brown) said. "But you're wearing my boots."

"Well then, I guess I owe you one, then." Emily said smiling. She fished around in her bag for her running shoes. Once she found them, she handed them to him and smiled. "There you go. I have big feet, so they should fit fine."

"Um… thank you." He said, reluctantly taking the shoes.

"Here," Erestor said, handing something to her. "I think you'll need it."

"I don't think I even need to ask what it is." She said as she slipped the guard onto her forearm and over the sloppy bandage she'd put on it. "Tie?" She held her arm out and got him to tie the laces.

"What is he doing?" Glorfindel asked, looking at Elrond in confusion.

"I have no idea…" Lindir said with a similar look on his face.

Lord Elrond was currently walking towards them, carrying what looked like more than his own body weight in weapons. He had everything from broadswords to kitchen knives. He also had both a bow and a crossbow.

"Emily, this is all for you," Elrond said. He started handing her weapons, and before too long, she was finding it difficult to stand. She'd been laden down with not one, but two swords, a bow and full quiver, a crossbow and quarrels, and more knives than she could count.

"A little help?" she asked. Elrohir grabbed some of the things from her hands. "Thank you." She grabbed the lighter of the two swords, the bow and the quiver. She put a pair of knives into her-- well, technically Elrohir's-- boots.

"Right then," Elladan said. "Take care of yourself."

"I'll try," Emily said. "Maybe I'll see you guys again sometime."

"We'll all miss you here," Erestor said. "Even if you were horrible at times, we will miss you."

"See, it's the comments like that that I don't know how to take." Emily said.

"Trust me," Glorfindel said. "It's one of the nicer things that he says."

"Alright then, I'm off. Bye, Joe!" She said, grinning. Erestor rolled his eyes, making Emily laugh. She hugged him quickly, and then was tapped on the shoulder by Legolas.

"Emily, we must leave, it is already past dawn." Legolas said, pulling her away from her friends. With a weak smile, she followed after him. Aragorn quickly got into an argument with Legolas. Emily threw a rock at each of them.

"Well, we're already off to a happy start," she said, shaking her head and following the group away from Rivendell.

Oo

I know it's short, but it was up in only one day! Next chapter coming soon!

Oo

**Review Responses**

Slayer3: Glad I was able to make you laugh, and I must agree about the greatness about Never Leave Fanfiction Lying Around. That story had me laughing like mad and basically dying waiting for updates.

CrazyTomboy: Sorry for the less funny-ness… I know this one wasn't very funny, either, but I had to get the plot moving and get Emily the heck out of Rivendell. I decided to make Arwen normal, because all of the time she gets written as either a complete bimbo, bitch, or mix of the two. She's an important character (in my opinion, many may disagree, though) and deserves more than being mutilated so that a Mary-Sue can get with Aragorn. So, I'm done ranting for now. And ice cream is always good. I got popsicles that have ice cream inside, they're awesome.

Laer4572: I want to have maybe one member of the Fellowship sane, but I'm not sure who to pick, they all have advantages and disadvantages. Once more, with Arwen, I wanted her normal because it just really annoys me when she's not in-character.


	19. Chapter 16

**One Mixed Up Mary-Sue**

Oo

Chapter 16: On the Road

Oo

_Disclaimer: I do not own The Lord of the Rings._

Guess what I realized? Sixteen more reviews and I reach one hundred. Yes, that is a total hint.

Oo

Emily sighed as she trudged along. They had been walking for hours and she was feeling it. The Hobbits were running back and forth with the energy of young children. Aragorn and Legolas were (what else?) arguing. Boromir was muttering to himself and would, every so often, make an explicitly rude comment. Gandalf lead them silently. He said nothing at all, and did nothing at all except for walking. Gimli, well, he just wasn't there at the moment. Sometimes he was there, and sometimes he wasn't.

That left Emily. She was actually quite enjoying herself in having a (rather one-sided) conversation with Bill. The going was hell, and she'd never felt more relieved when Gandalf called the group to a halt.

Oh, Gimli had just appeared out of nowhere, most probably because he had a line or something of the sort coming up.

Emily sat down on the hard ground, and then fell back wards. She could have (and probably would have) fallen asleep right then and there, was it not for a certain elf that had entered her bubble.

"Go away, Legolas."

"But Emily—"

"Leave me alone or I swear to God I will sack you."

"Silly Emily, I don't work for you, you can't fire me."

"You're so stupid it's amazing."

"Why thank you."

"Here," said another voice. "Have some lunch." A plate was handed to her and she looked up to see Sam.

"Thanks," she said, gratefully taking the food.

"I cooked it… 'cause that's what I do… I cook things. I also talk to Mr. Frodo. And that's about it."

"That's… nice," Emily managed to say around a mouthful of sausage.

"Yay," Sam cheered. "She says that I'm nice!" He smiled and walked off.

Emily tried her best to tune out everything around her as she ate. The scene was pretty much a copy of the movie. Though, Boromir was ruder, the Hobbits were more energetic and Legolas was trying to get Emily to talk to him.

"Leave me alone, Legolas." Emily said, putting her hands over her ears. For a moment she was surprised, but then remembered they'd seemed to have taken on a strange shape this morning.

'Got anything to add to the topic?'

_Oh yes, I'd forgotten to mention, you get elf ears, because they're so cool!_

'Great…'

_I know._

"Crebain from Dunland!" Legolas shouted, pointing at the approaching birds.

"Emily, hurry!" Aragorn said, taking her arm and pulling her behind a large rock. Legolas glared at Aragorn, but quickly went to hide in a bush.

Once they'd passed, Legolas stormed over to Aragorn and started yelling at him. The shouting match quickly turned into a fist fight between the two.

"And this is why I tried to say that she should not come. Did anyone even take notice of what I was saying? No one gave me a good reason for her coming, and now it's slowing us down." Boromir said.

"Boromir, why are you being so rude to Emily?" Legolas demanded.

"For once I must agree with the elf. You are being a rude, sexist, meanie!" Aragorn said.

"No," Emily said, "he's being _logical_. There is absolutely no reason that I should be here. And if you two don't stop fighting, I'll kill you in your sleep."

"Break it up, children," Gandalf said. "Now hurry up, we have to go over the mountain Carawaradas."

"Holy shit," Emily said under her breath. "What next…" After getting over the new name for Caradhras, Emily shut her mouth, and followed silently. She stopped walking, quite confused, as they reached the base of the mountain. That had been quite the quick two weeks… apparently no one here had the concept of time or distance down. Not that she was complaining; she didn't really _want_ to be with them any longer than she had to.

They'd been walking for hours when the group finally came to a stop again. The sky was getting dark. Oh yes, sleeping at night was smart. Great… they were all going to die a bloody, painful death. But hey, at least the Mary-Sue never dies.

She pulled her bedroll off of the bag she'd been carrying and laid it out on the ground. Sam was cooking again, Frodo had suddenly become filled with angst, and Merry and Pippin were running around in circles playing tag. Gimli had, once more, disappeared. Gandalf was talking to himself; apparently he'd taken on the 'senile old man' act he was so often given. Boromir was making dirty jokes, and laughing at them, alone. And Aragorn and Legolas were arguing again… what else?

"She loves _me_!" Legolas insisted.

"No!" Aragorn protested.

"Emily," whined Legolas. "Who do you lo—ouch!" He rubbed his arm where the rock had hit him.

"Hah! She hates you, she threw a rock at—hey, that hurts!" Aragorn was jumping on one leg, the other one having been hit with a rock.

"Both of you shut up," Emily snapped. She dropped her bag onto her bedroll and walked over to Sam. "Need any help?" She asked.

"No think you, I'm almost finished," he said. A moment later, he handed her a bowl of soup.

"Thanks, Sam," she said, smiling. She walked off to eat on her own, but of course, was followed by everyone's favourite two stalkers.

"Emily," Legolas said. "I love you. Thank you for the rock; I love the rock, too."

"Well _I_ love _my_ rock more!" Aragorn argued. He held up a rock, which was covered in brightly coloured stickers. "I decorated it."

"That pattern is atrocious!" Legolas said, rolling his eyes. "The colours are all wrong. And you can't mix polka-dots and stripes. That rock looks _so_ tacky."

"Why you…" Aragorn turned to face Legolas, and then punched him in the face. Once more, the two were quickly in the middle of a full-out fistfight.

"Have I mentioned how sad and pathetic this is?" Emily asked herself.

_It is _not_ sad and pathetic, it is romantic. They both love you so much that they're willing to sacrifice their friendship for you… isn't that just the sweetest thing you've ever heard?_

'No… not at all.'

_Well, then, what is the sweetest thing you've ever heard?_

'Nice try.'

_Oh, you think you're so smart, don't you?_

'I know I'm smart… plus _I_ have my own body. I can move and walk, and I don't have to resort to getting into people's heads… loser.'

_I hate you._

'The feeling's mutual.'

_By the time this is all over, you_ will_ be with one of them… Sue._

'Shut the fuck up, voice.'

_Fine, but I'll be back._

'You do that.'

Emily snapped back into reality. Aragorn and Legolas had stopped fighting, but only because Gimli and Boromir had had to forcefully break up the fight. Now the two were just throwing insults back and forth.

"Oh yeah?" Legolas asked, giving Aragorn a withering look. "Well _your_ mother is—"

"Shut the hell up!" Emily yelled. "I brought two knives with me; do you know what they're for?"

"Uh… you're going to give up lovely gifts?" Legolas asked.

"I'm going to fricking stab you both if you don't stop it. And remember, I'm a Mary-Sue, I can kick _anyone's_ ass." Emily glared at them, when suddenly the sky got quite dark.

_Emily!1!_

Emily cringed; she could feel the many excessive punctuation marks, and the one felt like it was coming up and hitting her in the face.

_Stop threatening your love interests! Go to bed—now! You annoying ingrate, what is wrong with you?_

'I don't fucking want to be here, that's what's wrong.'

_Shut up and go to bed._

'No, I can't sleep with these freaks around.'

_Fine, then stay up all night and _don't_ sleep. See if I care._

'Fine,' Emily finished the conversation and sat down on a large, conveniently placed rock. Grabbing her bag, she pulled it up with her; she could finally have a chance to look through its entire contents.

"Emily," Legolas said, walking over to her. "Do you wish for me to keep you company?"

"No."

"Emily, can_—_" Aragorn started.

"No," she said calmly. Noting a fallen tree branch on the ground, she snatched it up, and waved it at them in a threatening manner. "I'm going to be swinging this stick, and if you get in the way, that's too bad." She said, in a true rip-off-The-Simpsons manner.

In the next minute, both Aragorn and Legolas had lumps on their heads. Emily looked up at the mountains, and then remembered something. She was supposed to be a real character, than she'd act like the real character she was supposed to be.

"I'm not going any further!" She declared.

"I know that, we are all tired." Legolas replied. "That is why we are stopping for the night."

"No," Emily argued. "I mean I'm not going any further than here, ever. If any of you can figure out _why_, then I'll go." She smiled smugly; they'd be here for a little while.

_Emily! What are you talking about? You're just being difficult!_

'No, I'm not. I have a perfectly good and canonical reason to not want to go.'

_Fine, just go to sleep, then!_

'I think I will, actually.' She climbed down from her rock and into her bedroll. She placed the stick she'd found earlier beside her. The others were starting to do the same. The fire had been covered with dirt (surprisingly, it hadn't just been doused with water) and whoever wasn't staying up for watch was trying to get to sleep.

It had seemed like she'd only closed her eyes for a moment when she was awoken by someone… pulling her hair? Yes, someone was tugging gently at her hair. She shook her head and waved her hand out at them.

"Emily!" She heard Legolas scold her. "You're messing them up! I'm going to have to do this one again!"

"What the hell?" She demanded, turning to face him.

"I was braiding your hair for you," he stated. "It looked in need of some care. You should really deep-condition more often."

Emily watched in boredom as he started rambling off on the topic of hair care products.

"Emily," Aragorn said, walking over to her. "I stayed up late last night thinking of reasons you may not want to go." He coughed and cleared his throat. "Are you afraid of heights?"

"Nope," she replied.

"Don't like the cold?"

"Not it."

"Uh… you just don't like mountains?"

"This is going to take you guys a while, possibly forever, or until you meet someone who doesn't show up in the movies. Good luck with that."

"Breakfast time!" she heard Sam shout. "Come and get it."

"Food," she mumbled, pulling on the boots that Elrohir had given her. Or, that had been stolen from him. No, she'd traded him. Mind you, he'd gotten a pair of shoes that he would never be able to use and were therefore useless to him, but she had traded him nonetheless.

"Ouch! What the…" she pulled the knives out of her boots. Maybe they _would_ make a nice gift. They certainly didn't make good socks. She grabbed them and marched over to Legolas and Aragorn, who were (once more) arguing.

"Emily!" They both chorused, forgetting their argument.

"I have a game for you guys, okay?" She continued without waiting for an answer, knowing they would agree to anything she said. "It's the quiet game. See, whoever stays completely quiet for the longest wins these shiny, pretty knives. Ready? Go."

"Now for lunch," she said to herself. "A nice, _quiet_ lunch."

Oo

Anyone who knows Emily's 'perfectly good and canonical reason' is awesome!


	20. Chapter17

**One Mixed Up Mary-Sue**

_Chapter 17: Emily Is Attacked By Falling Hobbits_

No one has figured out Emily's canonical reason… but that's okay. I'm not sure if it actually comes up in The Lord of the Rings or weather I had to do some extra reading to find it out. I think that it may have been in Unfinished Tales, but I'm not positive.

Grr… sorry it took so long. My computer was, like, zapped into French mode or something. All the quotation marks popped up as and So, yeah, it should be normal now, but if you see any or , they are meant to be " and ".

Oo

Emily smiled and stretched her arms over her head. Legolas and Aragorn had actually shut up for once. It was nice, whenever they got too close, she'd hit them with the stick, which she deemed in need of a name. Mary-Sue hadn't spoken to her since the previous day, when she'd ordered her to bed.

Legolas had started signing madly. Sadly, no one here (including Emily) had any idea of sign language, so it just looked like he was having hand spasms—or a mild seizure.

"I have no idea what you're trying to say, Legolas," Emily said. "Hey! No crying either!" She yelled when he put down his hands and looked on the verge of tears.

Legolas walked over to her and sat down. He grabbed part of her hair and started braiding.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing?" demanded Emily. She pulled her hair from his hands. With a dumbstruck expression, he pointed to her hair and then to the braids in his. "I don't think so," she said.

He waved his hands as if to protest and pouted. Emily rolled her eyes then shook her head as if to silently say 'no'. Legolas continued pouting. That is, until Aragorn walked up to him and kicked him in the side. Legolas flipped him off, stood, and then shoved him.

And so, without even having spoken one word, the two were in yet another fight. Emily rolled her eyes and grabbed her bag; she'd forgotten to go through it the previous day.

"Okay… I have a rock. Um… well… it's a pretty rock… sort of. Hey… it's a coat-ish thing… cloak! That's it, cloak! Right… I think I'm going to die out here. Anyways, more clothes, that's always good. String, for the bow, makes sense. It would be a pretty useless piece of crap without a string."

_Emily… are you ready to co-operate and just go?_

'Not a chance in hell.'

_Fine then—on with the plot!_

As Mary-Sue's voice rang in her head, Emily was blinded for a split second by a flash of light. After blinking a few times, everything was back in clear focus. They were sitting outside Durin's Door, at the western gate of Moria. No one else seemed to have noticed what had happened.

"Damn it!" Emily yelled, and got to her feet. She noticed her bag on her back, the stick she'd found poking out. She pulled it out of her bag and gripped it tightly, wishing there was something she could give a good whack.

"Emily!" Merry and Pippin yelled, grabbing her around the waist.

"There's a scary monster!" Pippin said.

"It's big and ugly and scary!" Merry continued.

In a moment, Legolas and Aragorn ran over to her, yelling that they needed her to defeat the monster. Emily just called it a reason to use the stick. Holding it like a baseball bat, she swung at Legolas and then Aragorn.

"Ouch!" Legolas whined, rubbing his head.

"You lose!" yelled Aragorn. He pointed at Legolas and started laughing. "You _so_ lose! I win, I win, I'm better tha—" Emily brought the stick down on his head once more.

"No, I did _not_ lose!" Legolas protested. "I made a noise indicating that I was in pain, I did not _speak_."

"Yes you did!" insisted Aragorn. He rolled his sleeves up and balled his hands into fists.

"No I didn't!"

"Yes, you did!"

"Stupid bloody fucking…" Emily muttered a long string of curses to herself, tightening her grip on the stick.

"Emily…" whined Legolas, "tell him that I didn't lose!"

"He did so lose, right, Emily?"

"No way!"

"Both of you shut the hell up!" Emily yelled. "You both lose, so we'll start the game over again."

"Fine," the both said, pouting.

"I hear talking!"

"Emily…" Pippin said, poking her in the side. "The monster…"

"Damn it, why doesn't someone more _competent_ do it?" Her question was met by silence. "Damn you all!" She yelled, stalking over to The Watcher, which looked more like a snail that was having a seizure.

"Nice job with the Snail of Doom, Mary-Sue,' she muttered to herself. After fighting for a moment with the sword at her side, she had it unsheathed and wavering in the air, pointing towards the thing. "I'm a fricking Mary-Sue and just let him the hell go because if I have to attempt to fight you I'd die a bloody, horrible and painful death."

With a screeching noise that rivalled that of a Ring Wraith's, the creature recoiled in horror. On the good hand, it dropped Frodo and he landed safely and uninjured, just shaken up. The bad news was that he landed on Emily, who now had a mouthful of dirt. That was fixed quickly, though, as both Legolas and Aragorn gave the poor hobbit a withering glare.

Once she was up, the entire Fellowship started praising her. Seriously, they'd even written a song.

"If any of you don't stop it, I swear I'll hit you in the jaw with the stick." That shut them up. Emily (after fumbling around for a few moments) had the sword back in its scabbard. She gripped her stick.

"Onward," she commanded, and surprisingly (or not really) they followed her into Moria, which seemed to have opened by process of a plot hole.

All was going fine for a few minutes, until she heard a sound. It was an evil sound, one which she'd wished to never have to hear.

"Who the hell is humming that song?" She demanded. Quickly the tune to her theme song ended and once more everyone was in silence. "This is going to be a living hell," she muttered to herself.

"Ha-ha!" Boromir shouted. "Everyone's dead! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!"

"Shut the hell up!" yelled Emily, hitting him with the stick. He turned to give her a withering glare. Sadly, it didn't appear as much of a glare, because of the darkness of the mines. She hit him again for good measure, though. Not hard, mind you. Anyways, he was wearing armor, and it was just a stick. No one ever died from being hit by a stick… right? Okay, maybe a few people, but they weren't fictional characters with pre-scheduled deaths. Emily looked around in confusion.

"How the hell did we get here?"

"He-he," Pippin giggled. Yes, you heard (err… read) right; he f-ing giggled, "poke!"

"Is it just me or has the whole sequence of events here been slightly condensed?" Emily asked. No one heard her, though, over the sound of a skeleton falling down a well… along with a chain and a bucket. "Well, that was sure a lovely few days, I guess I must've fallen asleep after about a minute and then just woken up now."

The four hobbits were running around in circles, yelling: "we're all going to die!" Besides that (and Emily being there), the scene looked like it had been pinched straight from the movie.

Emily fumbled around in her bag for a moment, and then pulled out a bow. Yes, it fit in the bag. That is what we call a plot hole. If it's convenient for Mary-Sue to have something, she _will_ have it. She shook her head, remembering when she'd actually succeeded in hitting a target back in Rivendell, which was canonically far away, but quite close in this twisted Sue world.

'I will not die a bloody painful death, if I must, it will _not_ be in a living hell like the one I'm stuck in right now…' Emily thought to herself.

_That's the right idea—sort of. Except for the living hell part, that is._

'You're back…'

_Yes, I am. I've decided there is still hope for you to fall in love. There are still two more movies after this one._

'Books.'

_What?_

'They are books, not movies.'

_They are _so_ movies!_

'They were books first.'

_Whatever— just kick some ocr ass!_

'Kick what now?'

_I mean orc. Kill the orcs._

'Yeah… because I'm a skilled and well-learnt warrior, right?'

_No… but you _do_ have special Mary-Sue powers and skills. So… have fun!_

"Alright… if I die, you guys can fight over my stuff. Whoever can run back and find Bill first, gets everything." She said. Hey, if she _did_ die, she wanted to create at least a little bit of mayhem afterwards. Legolas looked ready to protest, but he was still playing the quiet game.

The footsteps became louder as the orcs approached. Their screams and shrieks could be through the heavy door. Emily grabbed and arrow and, trying not to drop it, fit it to the bow. She pulled back on the bowstring, expecting to be met by resistance, but instead it came back quite easily.

_Just another Mary-Sue perk._

'Thanks so much…'

_Seriously, stop talking to me and fight._

Emily shook her head, and let an arrow fly. Strangely, it was aimed nowhere near where it should have been, but it hit its mark, the head of an orc. Actually, that wasn't all that strange, considering she was in Middle-earth with a girl named Mary-Sue in her head.

_Hello! I _told_ you, it's a Mary-Sue perk. You can do whatever you want._

'Right,' she thought, setting another arrow loose. She continued until the doors were forced open. At that point, she tossed the bow over her shoulder, just hoping that the string wouldn't break. What was she thinking? Of course it wouldn't—she was a Sue. Mary-Sues didn't have to deal with common inconveniences.

Pulling out the sword, she flailed it about madly. In any real situation, she would have been dead, but the sword seemed to do its own work, she just had to hold on. Then the troll came in.

"Holy shit…" she mumbled to herself. She was quickly pulled out of the way by the sword, which she fought to keep a hold on. Before what was happening registered, she (or rather the screwed-up magical freak weapon) had killed another orc.

_It's not screwed up; it's the magical sword, Kerfnolmaco!_

'Ker-what?'

_It's an elvish name!_

'I'm not even going to touch that one…'

Emily turned, and was suddenly flattened for the second time in one day (canonically it was more, but in Mary-Sue world it was one day) by a falling hobbit.

"Merry!" She shouted over the noise. They both got up. "What are you—" She was cut off by the cave troll, which let out a strange noise before falling flat to the ground. Emily also fell to the ground as Pippin fell off of the back of the cave troll and right onto her back. It was a miracle she hadn't accidentally impaled herself (or anyone else) yet.

Pippin shook his head and blinked a few times before jumping to his feet. Emily followed suit, noting everyone crowded around her.

"Emily, are you alright?" Legolas asked, taking her hands. "I was so worried!"

"Move!" Pippin said, pushing through the crowd. He made his way over to Frodo as quickly as he could. Emily pulled her hands from Legolas and went after him.

"Aren't you going to help him?" Pippin asked, looking back at the others. This was strange… He wasn't acting hyper or insane. Had the situation been a bit happier, Emily would have hugged him.

"Get you asses over here!" Emily shouted, and in a second, Aragorn was kneeling in front of Frodo.

"I'm fine," Frodo said after a moment. Emily saw Pippin sigh in relief, but the others didn't seem to notice.

"Well, that's good, then," said Aragorn. He stood and faced Emily. "Are you alright?"

"Yes, I'm fine," she said, disbelief written on her face. She slid the sword back into its scabbard and slung her bag onto her back.

"Hurry up, then," Legolas said, grabbing her hand and pulling her along behind him. Emily pulled her hand from his (rather violently), but continued running with the group. Orcs appeared all around them, and under any normal circumstances, Emily would have been scared to death. But she was the Mary-Sue, she didn't die.

Oo

Guys, here's the story with review responses. I have heard a few times that they are not allowed, but have seen many people doing them. Can anyone clear this up for me? It would be greatly appreciated.

**Happy birthday to the story! This is the 20th chapter (counting the prologue and song fics). I have decided to celebrate to post one of the one-shots I've been writing. It is (as always) in the LOTR fandom, and a comedy-esque genre, though this one will not be listed as a parody. Whatever—just go and read the damn thing.**


	21. Chapter 184

**One Mixed Up Mary-Sue**

Chapter 18

-

"You lost," Aragorn managed to get out while running, "the quiet game."

"Shut it, Aragorn," Legolas snapped.

"You're just a sore loser!"

"Both of you be quiet!" Emily said. "If I wasn't running, I'd hit you with the stick." It was true; she was still carrying that stick around. She came to a quite sudden stop when she ran right into Legolas.

"Emily, I will protect you," Aragorn said. Emily hit him with the stick.

"Shut the hell up," she snapped. As much as she should be being brave, knowing that they would live, she was scared shitless. You try being surrounded by a number that you couldn't count of monsters, waiting for something to happen to scare them away. Yeah, you'd have your doubts too about whether or not it was coming. But she was proven wrong. The orcs scrambled away quite quickly as the Balrog approached.

"Shit, shit, shit, shit, shi—"

_Emily! Watch your language!_

'Well I'm just a bit scared that I'm going to die here…'

_You're a Mary-Sue; you don't die unless it's good for the plot._

'What if you decided that it's good for the plot?'

_I hadn't thought of that._.. _I'm kidding—for now. But you're falling behind._

"Emily, what are you doing, run!" Gandalf said. "All of you run!"

She made some sort of un-comprehensible noise, and then ran. (Thanks to Mary-Sue abilities) she caught up with the group quickly. Legolas grabbed her arm and continued running. She pulled it away from him.

"Quit touching me—holy shit!" Once more she ran right into someone's back, this time it was Gimli. "Sorry."

"Emily, are you alright?" Legolas asked.

"Yes, is he just going to stand there doing that all day?" Emily asked, talking about Boromir, who'd looked like he was going to fall off the stairs for the past minute.

"I'm not helping him, he's dirty!" Legolas protested.

_It's true, he is. That's why no one cares about him._

"Unless you haven't noticed, _everyone_ is dirty!'

_But he's also mean and evil!_

Emily rolled her eyes and grabbed the back of Boromir's tunic. Once he had regained his balance, Emily turned and smacked Legolas with the stick.

"Oww!" he whined, rubbing his arm. "That's going to bruise, and bruises aren't pretty!"

"Shut it," she said, pushing him along in front of her. They moved for a few seconds before (once more) everyone came to a stop. She couldn't see what was going on at the front of the group, but she had a good idea. Next thing she knew she was in front of a gap of empty space, being told to jump. They wanted her to jump, possibly to her death. She stood there for a moment, staring down, contemplating whether or not she would (or even could) make it across.

Gimli ended up pushing her.

"What the hell?" She shouted before falling flat on her front. She'd managed to cover her face, so she hadn't gotten hurt. Her knee was scraped, but that was about it. Legolas helped her up in between firing an impossible number of arrows at orcs. Seriously, every two seconds he would let one fly. Emily stood, but quickly fell back down when Sam landed on her.

"Damn it!" she yelled. One day she was going to be attacked by all four of them together. And that would not be pleasant.

"I- I'm sorry," he stuttered, scrambling to his feet.

"Never mind," Emily muttered, feeling her bottom lip, which was cut up nicely. She wiped the blood away with the back of her hand.

A loud crack filled the room as a huge piece of rock fell and severed the staircase. Emily turned, startled by the noise. Next thing she knew she was being pushed along again. As they neared the bridge, all she could think of was falling to an untimely death. She could easily trip and fall and die.

_Jeez! Calm down. You aren't going to trip! Tripping is ungraceful, and you are a pretty, graceful elf._

'I fucking hate you.'

_Just concentrate on running; you wouldn't want to trip._

For once, she found herself listening to Mary-Sue. Falling to her death just wasn't looking like that good an option. Once she'd gotten across the bridge, she tripped on a large rock and fell flat on her face.

_Remember, I can control the topography here._

"Shove it," Emily said out loud, standing. She wiped dirt from her cut lip.

_Be polite! What is it going to take to convince you to be a nice young lady and fall for the hero?_

'A lot more than a rock.'

_Fine, then._

"Fly, yo f00lz," Gandalf said. Apparently the plot had been sped up just a little in order to cater to Mary-Sue's whims.

"OMFG GANDALF!" screamed Frodo.

Once more Emily found herself assaulted by horrible grammar and spelling. Chat talk was striking back.

'I hate you.'

_I know._

Aragorn put an arm around her shoulders and attempted to steer her away from what was supposed to have been a very sad scene. It looked more like a cute fairy tale. Over the past few days she's started to notice something funny in the air. Now she finally realized what it was—sparkles. She followed, mostly out of a desire to not be shot with an arrow.

_Finally! Jeez, it was so gross in there!_

'Shut the hell up, Mary-Sue.'

_Alright! Chop, chop, everyone get moving!_

'Someone's in a bad mood.'

_I don't have time for this! Everything's already late! Hurry it up!_

There was a white flash of light, and once more, Emily found herself the victim of a scene change.

_There, it's prettier here._

Lovely—the forest of Lothlórien had been overrun with pink, yellow and powder blue flowers. Small, woodland creatures danced about and the sun shone brightly. Emily jumped as a bird came and landed on her shoulder. Strangely, it didn't fly away. Soon, she was surrounded by birds, squirrels and chipmunks.

"Get the hell away from me!" yelled Emily, waving her hands wildly. Another bird came up and landed on her head.

"Get the hell off!" She shouted, but to no avail. The animals clear would not move, so she resigned herself to being a walking wildlife reserve. "Well, let's keep going."

So, it was that two men, four hobbits, a dwarf, an elf and some sort of creature that was covered in small animals made their way through Lothlórien. By its slouched posture and dragging feet, it was clear that the creature was _not_ happy.

"Damn animals…" muttered Emily under her breath. "Stupid birds and squirr—ouch!" One of the birds that had been sitting on her head had tried to take off without untangling itself from her hair. She stopped and shook herself, but no more of the animals left.

"I love how you are so in touch with nature," Legolas said.

"Shove it," Emily replied.

"I love it more!" Aragorn shouted.

"Both of you shut the hell up."

"_All_ of you be quiet," Gimli whispered. "There's a witch that lives in these woods."

"You realize that's my grandma, right?" Emily asked flatly.

"What?" The entire group asked, astonished.

_What are you talking about, Emily?!?_ Mary-Sue demanded (excessive punctuation and all).

'You're the one who stuck me here and gave me a fake family. Do some research.'

The animals suddenly scurried away. One of the squirrels sat up and waved at her before running off.

"That was weird" Emily said, watching the squirrel.

_I'm mad at you, in case you haven't noticed._

'And why would you be mad at me?'

_You keep trying to 'fix' things. I've already fixed things to my liking._

'I'm not trying to fix things; they're too screwed up to do that.'

_Fine… oh, look up._

'What?' Emily looked up in time to see a very sharp, pointy object in her face. Emily jumped and, with a noise resembling a squeak, nearly fell on her rear. Turning a tinge of pink, she quickly composed herself and turned to the elf behind the arrow.

"Get the stick out of your ass and the arrow out of my face," she said flatly, glaring at the archer in front of her. He didn't move… not even a little.

"The dwarf breathes so loud--"

"Shut the hell up!" yelled Emily. "I am so damn sick of all of this!"

"Excuse me?" Haldir (who else would it be?) asked, giving her a withering look.

"I can so get your ass fired if I want to," she replied flatly. "Your bosses are my grandparents."

"Who are you?"

"Emily. Don't worry if you don't know me, I just found out about all of this shit a few days ago."

"_The_ Emily?"

'Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit. What did you do?'

_What do you mean? All I did was make you a wonderful prophesized princess._

'I guess it's not worth the time it takes to tell you I hate you.'

_Correct._

Emily would have replied to the '_the_ Emily' comment, but already Legolas and Aragorn were shouting at Haldir.

"She doesn't like you!" Aragorn yelled.

"Oh good Lord," Emily muttered to herself, shaking her head. "What did I do to deserve this shit?"


	22. Chapter 19

**One Mixed Up Mary-Sue**

Chapter 19

-

Trying to forget the day's activities, Emily pulled her bedroll tighter around herself. She didn't even mind that she was sleeping on the floor; it was enough to be able to rest her sore legs. Running around mines and forest had taken its toll. Yes, rightly, today's activities should have taken much longer, but Mary-Sue was apparently becoming impatient.

The first thing they'd done upon reaching Caras Galadhon was climb stairs— _lots_ of stairs. Emily had lost count after one-hundred and nineteen. She'd expected some crazy Sue endurance to kick in, but apparently Mary-Sue, though impatient, was still angry with her.

Galadriel had played very well the part of a grandmother. She'd even gone so far as to bake cookies. Seriously, she had cookies… not that they weren't great cookies. They were actually pretty good. It was just strange to see her handing out cookies and wearing a frilly, pink and white apron.

There had been much conversing in gibberish (an attempt at Sindarin), none of which Emily had understood. At one point in the conversation, Legolas had turned to her and spurted off a long line of 'dsfnaai' and heerroiunssek' and other similar sounds. Emily had flipped him off and sat down on the floor. She'd managed to get a bit of fun in the day, though, when they were going down the many, many stairs. Sadly, the elves she'd nearly run over weren't so happy about her fun. When he'd turned away, Emily had grabbed Boromir's shield and slid down. Like you would when using one of those saucer snow sleds… except there wasn't any snow… But it was fun and nearly worth it.

In the end, it had been a bit fun, and she'd managed to avoid her stalkers for a while. _But_ at the end of the stairs the shield had snagged in a hole or on a rock (she wasn't sure what exactly it had been) and she'd gone face first into the dirt. Learning from experience of falling over, she'd used her arms to protect her face, and had come out of it with minimal injuries: two scraped knees and a scraped right arm.

Two female elves had rushed over, and within seconds her hair was being washed, as was her face. Apparently 'princesses' shouldn't look messy. She'd yelled at them that she wasn't any type of royalty, but they didn't seem to notice.

That had been her lovely first day in Lothlórien. It had simply been a bucket full of fun. Legolas was off on a nature hike (yes, those were the exact words he had used), and Aragorn was arguing with Boromir somewhere, so at least she could sleep in peace.

She yawned and closed her eyes, turning over in her bedroll.

"Look what I did! Look, look, look at me!" A bunch of flowers were shoved in her face, and she went into a short sneezing fit. Glaring up at an energetic Legolas, she sneezed once more, and then wiped her nose on her sleeve.

_Emily! That is _most_ unsanitary._

'Well, I don't have anything better to use, do I?'

_Fine, then._

With a twinkling noise, a bright pink puff of clouds and sparkling confetti appeared in her lap. Once the puff dissipated, she was left with a box of Kleenex.

'Um… thanks…'

She blew her nose, crumpled up the Kleenex and then tossed it away. An elf quickly ran over and picked it up and put it in a sparkly pink trash bag, which then promptly disappeared.

"Emily! You're not looking at me! I want attention!"

"What the hell is it?" She glared up at Legolas.

"Hi," he smiled, waved, and then pranced off.

"Good lord…" She pulled the bedroll over her head and quickly fell asleep.

-

"Wake up," was all that she got before the soft kick in the side.

"Oww…" she said, getting to her feet.

"You hurt her!" Legolas and Aragorn both yelled before tackling down the poor soul who'd tried to wake her up. She couldn't see who it was.

_It's just a bit character. He's in this scene so that Aragorn and Legolas can prove their love for you._

'Oh…' She walked away, leaving the two to continue attacking whoever-it-was.

"Emily," Galadriel said, "come here and eat breakfast with us." She handed Emily a piece of Lembas.

"Are you trying to tell me that you don't eat _any _normal food around here?"

"Yes."

"You only eat this stuff?"

"Yes."

"You're sure?"

"Yes."

"That's a lie… a dirty, rotten lie."

"Well, eat up. You only get one of grandma's secret recipe cookies if you eat your entire meal."

"Where would you get cookie ingredients if you didn't eat anything besides this?" Emily asked.

"Uh… magic."

"Magic?"

"Yes, elf magic."

"Elf magic?"

"Yes."

"Right…"

"Now, eat up your lumps bread."

"My what?"

"Lumps bread, it's the food that you're eating for breakfast." Galadriel smiled and gave her a pat on the head. "Kids can be so funny." She patted her head again, laughing. Emily visibly twitched.

"Emily," Legolas said. "We must leave quickly, please, eat your breakfast."

"You know what? Let's get going. I think I've lost my appetite after having to look at you." She got to her feet, handed him the bread and walked over to the water.

"Burn!" shouted Aragorn, pointing at Legolas. "I _told_ you that she likes _me_."

-

As they all walked towards the boats, elves gathered to cry. One had a picket sign reading: "We Will Miss You, Emily!"

"I have to get the hell out of here." Emily muttered to herself, clenching her fists. Once they reached the bank of the river, a cloak was dropped around her shoulders.

_Yeah, we're just going to skip this scene… it's kinda boring, if you get what I mean. Anyways, you get a lovely care package._

'What?'

_Your gift is a care package. Like, cookies, hot chocolate, and other stuff. It's all wrapped up all pretty in a basket for you._

'Oh wow. I can barely contain my excitement…'

_Hey! Be gratefull to your grandma. Geez, you're so horrible sometimes._

There was a quick flash of white light, and the next thing Emily knew she was in a boat, over the river Anduin.

Emily pulled the cloak that had appeared around her shoulders tighter. She wondered if it would have been better to have mentioned the fact that she got seasick _before_ getting on the boat.


	23. Chapter 20

**One Mixed Up Mary-Sue**

Chapter 20

-

Emily hung her head over the side of the small boat, splashing cool water over her face, trying to ease her seasickness. She shuddered and tried to keep the contents of her stomach down as she was hit by another wave of nausea. Once it had passed, she wiped her face again.

"Everything will be okay," Legoals said, laying a hand gently on her back.

"God damn it!" she shouted. She grabbed his arm and pushed him away from her. "Stop freaking touching me."

He opened his mouth to protest, but Emily had had enough. "Be quiet," she said, shoving him as hard as she could out of the boat. With a grin on her face, Emily leaned back and watched as he climber back into the boat.

"That wasn't nice..." he said, pouting. Sitting immediately to Emily's right, Aragorn was pointing and laughing quite loudly.

"But it was funny," Emily said, digging through her bag. She pulled out the pink care package to give it an inspection. It actually seemed pretty sweet, there was some fruit, bread, cookies, a sweater and some extra socks.

_Why don't you eat the cookies? Your grandma made them especially for_ _you!_

'No thanks. Besides, I'm sick.'

_Oh, right. Well, get well soon and all._

'You know, I would be fine if I wasn't in this boat. I would be super healthy if you sent me home.'

_No._

'Please?'

_Not until you fall in love with Legolas._

'I hate you.'

_I know. But when this is all over, you'll thank me._

Emily rolled her eyes, but as her stomach lurched, she went to staring at the floor of the boat, and hoping that her nausea would calm down soon.

-

Now that her stomach had gotten used to the boat's movements, Emily was finding herself quite bored. None of her boat-mates were very good conversationalists, and the repetitive scenery was getting pretty old pretty fast. She pulled out one of the cookies that she had received in her care package, broke a small piece off, and threw it at the back of Legolas' head. She grinned.

The boredom quickly disappeared.

This game went on in a similar manner for a little while. Emily found that she was thoroughly enjoying herself. Unfortunately, her fun was interrupted by a laugh coming from behind her.

"Holy shit!" she shouted, turning around. If she hadn't been in an enchanted boat, she was sure it would have capsized with her sudden movement. Once she'd turned around, she stared with slight puzzlement. Gimli sat there, laughing and Legoals' cookie-filled hair.

_Yeah, I kind of forgot about him back when we were leaving that cave place… I just remembered now._

"Hi, Gimli," she said, managing a small wave.

_Is he too gross? I can make him go away._

'No.'

"Is he alive?" Gimli asked, nodding towards Legolas, who had not even turned around when he'd appeared.

"It would appear so," Emily said, flicking another piece of cookie at Legolas. "I mean, he's breathing and everything. But on the inside, I'm sure he's dead. Here, take a cookie, it's fun." She handed him a cookie, which he accepted with a "thank you", and took a bite out of.

"That's tasty," he said.

"You can't eat it!" Emily shouted. "They're only for throwing at Legolas."

"Right," he said, breaking off a piece of cookie.

The boat shook and Emily heard a scraping noise. They had hit the riverbank. Not thinking out her next action, Emily climbed out of the boat and started running.

_Where are you going?_

'Away!'

_Stop it! Come back!_

She kept running until she felt like her lungs would burst in her chest, and she was doubled over, trying to pull in air. By that time, she had put a considerable amount of distance between herself and the others. Once she had mostly regained a normal breathing pattern, she sat down in front of a tree and leaned her head backwards, resting against the tree's trunk. She wasn't sure how long she had been sitting there when she finally looked up.

"Just let me go home," Emily said out loud. She stopped and took a slow breath. "Good lord, why the hell am I here? Look at me; I'm not the girl that you want. I'm not perfect and I can't even last a few days in this world! Just let me go home, there are a thousand better girls for this than me." She stood and after making a not-so-good guess, headed off in the direction that she thought she had come from.

After walking in a few pointless circles, she eventually heard voices arguing. Recognizing them, she walked towards the loud argument. She walked back in silence. She didn't want them to notice her or say anything. She didn't want to talk to anyone. Yes, she realized that she was acting like a three-year-old, but Emily also figured that being dragged here gave her rights to do that.

"You're back!" Legolas yelled, jumping up and hugging her once she'd come into view.

"Get the hell off of me," she said, pushing him away from her.

"Leave her alone," Aragorn said, pushing Legolas further away from her. "Emily, I'm so happy that you're okay."

"Go away," she said, sitting down on the ground.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

"Nothing," Emily said nonchalantly. Her expression quickly became one of annoyance. "Except that you won't leave me alone."

"You seem upset lately," Legolas said. "Is there anything you want to talk about?"

"No thank you, Dr. Phil." She replied, rolling her eyes. "You know this is getting really sad. I'm sick of having to avoid you. But you don't seem to want to take a hint."

"Don't be silly, Emily! I love you!"

_Man, this is getting boring. I'm fast-forwarding to later._

'Why?'

_I already told you; I'm bored._

Emily shut her eyes as a bright white light flashed.

When she opened them again, all chaos had broken loose. Uruk-hais were swarming. Legolas and Aragon had drawn swords and were ready to attack. The hobbits were running in circles, screaming. Emily backed up a few steps until she hit a tree.

"Emily!" Aragorn called out to her. "We will defend you!"

"Right," she said, but decided that she didn't trust the capabilities of those two. She grabbed a low-hanging branch of the tree and pulled herself up, and continued climbing until she was about twenty feet above the ground, a height that she considered at least somewhat safe. After taking a slow breath, she settled into her spot and prepared to watch the scrape below.

_Emily, you can go down now._

'You're sure? You're not lying to me because you hate me?'

_No, I need you alive so that you can fall in love, remember?_

'Okay.'

With a tight grip on the branch that she was sitting on, Emily slowly lowered her feet to the branch below. Climbing down a tree was considerably trickier than climbing up a tree. She had almost reached the ground when a bird flew off a branch that she had shaken and almost went straight into her face. Swearing, Emily lost her grip and fell. Somewhere out there, Mary-Sue was watching happily; Legolas had been right there to catch her as she fell.

'You did this on purpose!'

_Why yes, yes I did._

"Emily! I have saved you," Legolas declared, still holding her in his arms. "Will you now love me?"

"No," Emily snapped. "Now put me down." When he did so, Emily took a moment to dust herself off. That didn't last too long, though as she noticed a large group of Uruk-Hai running towards them. She took a few steps backwards, but tripped over something.

"What the hell?" After clumsily getting to her feet, she looked at the spot where she'd fallen. The hobbits were all sitting together, sobbing rather loudly.

"Get up," she said, dragging them to their feet. "Get going, now."

It was needless to say, they didn't get going anywhere. They all grabbed her and started crying louder.

"Gah! Get off of me!" Emily tried to push them away, but it was no use. "Okay, you and you have to go, you should be gone. And you two, uh, go find Boromir, I think he has candy."

"Candy!" Merry and Pippin both ran as quickly as they could, singing a song about liquorice and lollypops.

"Will you come with us, Emily?" Frodo asked, pouting.

"No!" Emily said. "You two need to go alone."

"Whoever kills the most gets to ask Emily on a date!" Aragorn said.

"Okay, let's go!" She said, grabbing each of them by the hand and running. She could just start to see (and hear) the Anduin when to she saw that Merry and Pippin had found Boromir. As he fought, the hobbits were sitting against a rock crying.

"Shit," Emily said as she tripped on a root and fell on her face. Frodo and Sam screamed. She started to stand up, and Frodo and Sam screamed louder. Then she saw the feet beside her.

With total confidence in being a Mary-Sue, she grabbed her sword and swung aimlessly. Thanks to Mary-Sue magic, she hit the Uruk-Hai before it got the chance to kill her in a most painful manner. Sadly, she'd forgotten about the sword's little tendency to start attacking things on its own.

"Holy crap," she said as it dragged her around the small clearing, taking out Uruk-Hai. She just clung to the thing for dear life. Boromir quickly looked over at her, but then turned back to the ever-increasing number of Uruk-Hai

After a moment Emily felt like she was going to throw up. The sword was covered with black blood, and she sported a good amount of it on herself. She turned, the sword swinging itself again, and she stopped dead in her tracks, dropping the sword.

"Shit," she said under her breath. Boromir had just been hit by an arrow. Yes, canonically, he was supposed to die, but it's a bit different when it's going on just a few feet away from where you're standing. She looked around frantically for where the archer was. Panicking, she grabbed the sword, and it automatically started swinging itself again.

Another arrow flew and this time she could see where it was coming from. She saw it. Acting on the little survival instinct that she had, she put away her sword and she grabbed her bow and notched an arrow.

But she was too slow, too clumsy. She felt the cold arrowhead burry itself deep into her side. Stunned by the pain, she fell to her knees and then tipped over forward, hitting her head hard on a rock.


	24. The Epilogue That Came From Hell

**One Mixed Up Mary-Sue**

Epilogue

-

The first thing that she became aware of was the pain in her side. It felt like her skin wanted to pull itself open. She touched the area, which as a bad idea. Gritting her teeth, she continued to touch the area, feeling a line of tight stitches on her inflamed flesh. She left the area alone and looked around the room that she had woken up in.

The ceiling was a starched white, just like Rivendell.

"Damned place," she muttered to herself, bring her hand to her face to rub her sore eyes. And that was when she noticed it. Lying across her hand, pushing onto her wrist was a clear tube. She followed the tube to a bag hanging on a metal pole.

"You don't like hospitals?" A man asked from the doorway. Emily guessed by the coat that he wore that he was a doctor. He stepped into the room.

"How long have I been here?" Emily asked.

"About three days," he answered. "You had some pretty big surgery, it's normal to take a while to recover. I heard you were awake, so I came to make sure you were okay myself. I was your surgeon."

"When can I go home?" Emily asked.

"You seem to be doing well. You can go home tomorrow if you don't get any worse." He said gently. "Your fan club has been here every day."

"What do you mean?" Emily asked.

"Your parents, some friends, a cousin and a couple of people who didn't mention who they were," he said, listing them all off. "You've been asleep this whole time, but you've never been alone."

"That's reassuring at the very least," Emily said.

"Emily," the doctor started. "Do you remember anything that happened to you?"

"No," Emily lied. Who would believe her story, anyways? "I don't remember anything."

"When you arrived here, you had an arrow in your side, like the old-style weapon bow-and-arrow, arrow. I think some really twisted person was trying to hurt you..." His voice trailed off. "But someone else should really be talking to you about this." He smiled weakly. "I'm sure the police will want to talk to you soon enough."

"Great," Emily said, trying to sit up. If there was anyone who wouldn't accept her answer, it would be the police.

"So, I've passed along the word that you are to have no visitors while you are in the hospital." He smiled for a moment, but then it faded into a serious frown. "But, if you do know anything, Emily, I hope that you would come forward and tell someone."

Emily nodded quickly and pulled her blanket tighter around herself. She stared at her feet, unsure what to say. She managed a quick "thank you."

"Someone will be back later tonight to check on you," he said before getting to his feet. With a short nod, her left the room, pulling the door shut behind himself.

Sighing, Emily let herself fall back on the pillows. She grinned to herself, feeling the soft fabric against her face. She was home.


End file.
